UESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2010
As I am getting older and older , though people say that I look younger and younger as years passes by, I feel a sort of loneliness surpassing me, suppressing me and overwhelming me and engulfing me..
Oh… where are all those people with whom I spent hours together, where are all those people who looked up at me, where are all those people who waited for a piece of advice, suggestion from me, where are all these people who depended on me all those people who waited for a piece of advice, suggestion from me, where are all those people who depended on me for my emotional, financial, physical support..?
Where are all those people who sought for my friendship, companionship and partnership..?
What happened to all those hours of my being so busy with lots of work to attend, lots of things to do, lots of things to organize…..
OH… where are those days, I hardly had time relax; sit quickly for awhile, desperately needing time to stretch my self for a couple of hours?
In those days I hardly had time to have a luxurious bath, relaxed moments of dinner time, a little time to sit and chit chat with any one not even with my own children… time was precious, too busy to eat or to talk… or to sleep or to attend personal needs or personal care.
But now I have plenty of time …those were the days could not have time and I was working hard to manage the time now I just kill the time… wondering how to pass on the time, not how to spend the time fruitfully….That is not the question at all, because there is nothing to do, to spend the time.
OH… Wow, I used to cook different dishes for the family, one cookery book in left hand and long spoon in another hand to mix the gruel or whatever in the dish on the stove. I used to tailored frocks for my daughter, and sew many sundry items at home, knit the winter clothes for the family and for the needy, and this was apart from daily course of cooking , cleaning and taking care of husband , children, and guests.
The house was full all the time with people who used to come for some help, counseling was part of our lives, prayer support, emotional support, and financial help, in one way or the other was our daily course of life. I hardly find time to sit quietly for a minute—I was so busy running hither and thither, contrary to today’s life where I get up leisurely without any one pestering me to hurry up to do something for them, or I need to attend any one,; I take tea leisurely in the back yard where I have small tea poi and sitting comfortably in a plastic chair with tea daily paper in the hand Thank God I need not go inside to get my reading glasses as the, day light is suffice for me to read the paper, later I clean the rooms and outside, , then I wash the dishes read and say my prayers, watch the regional news, prepare some light breakfast have another cup of team meanwhile if time permits chit chat with the neighbors over the small parapet wall, exchange pleasantries or owes of daily course etc- and attend some petty calls on the mobile which are most unimportant , dress up and leave for college. One of our neighbors told me that she always admires me for my stamina, strength and courage. Those neighbors see me how I said “We must or hard at home sweep and do all the mundane things and also drive my own car and do all my work all by myself.
For them I am a challenge, a courageous lady, another one said “we knew you what you were before and what you are now and we admire you very much.
And another colleague said “we must learn from you how to enjoy life and mange things beautifully.”
That type of comments rather compliments give me boost to my lonely soul. The other day while I was traveling all alone in Rathnachal express, solid 6bhours of journey, I felt how lonely I had been, no friend to chit chat, not even on mobile, no friend to laugh with or dine with, hey, this life should not be like this “IF” only my husband is alive “WE” both would have traveled together, we would have talked, and shared our thoughts, smiled at each other ( Oh , I wonder ever I had smiled at him during those journeys we had had when he was alive—oh no…. he used to had a grim face with all the burden of details of journey responsibilities on his shoulder, and children used to sit quietly with a book in their hands and I used to engrossed in my own thoughts or used to pretend sleep as if I was very much tired hahaha…haa)
Well, whatever, companion is companion, after so many years of experience and marital life and so many good things that had had happened my husband might have had changed a lot would not he…? Hey, in fact that last trip of our family Nagarjuna Sagar was quiet a difficult one. He himself bought a cup of tea for me in the bus stand which was very unlike of him, in fact I used to be afraid of getting a cup of tea in front of him, that too in journeys, because he never liked the idea of me taking tea or coffee frequently, and he was very particular that I should not drink outside because of hygienic reason whatever—and it was a pleasant surprise for me when he approached me with a cup of tea after a long tiresome journey and I still remember how thankful I was for him for that little gesture of kindness – I still remember him walking through the bus stand platform and the walking through the bus stand platform and the place I sat at the window of the bus, and the surprise and gratefulness I felt in my heart at that juncture.
Oh those were the golden, innocent contented days of sweet marital life…——-
Me, my dear husband for whom I had much regard love and devotion, my sweet little children for whom I felt strong attachment responsibility and loving bondage—I was feeling full responsibility for those well being, these three people in my life were all that matter.. I need them as much as they need me I used to take care of their health, academics, character, and discipline, oh, I possess them they are mine and mine alone, and I was responsible for everything in their lives.
I used to pray for every detail of their lives, so that God’s protection, blessings would shower on them, Oh Yes, I used to whisper a prayer every other minute for them… their victories were mine, their failures were mine too… I used to take everything personally, when they were sick it was my body which suffered much more them they were— I was sensitive, cautious, friendly, bossy and tried to be loving mother and wife No body dare to touch my ‘ trio’ or speak all of them Nobody could belittle them, I was around them.
Well, that may be the reason after the demise of my life partner, my husband. I could not bear to look down at my children, even I did not like the so called’ praying people” come and pray saying” these fatherless children, Lord, take care of them “this widow (that is ‘me’) (a woman helpless because she does not have husband) take care of her”—I just could not bear these words. Oh if they have that much of kindness for us let them pray for us at their homes, not in front of me! My children it doesn’t matter if they do not have earthly father, they have Heavenly Gather who is much stronger than their mortal father, and they have “ME” a ‘mother’ who would give and do anything for their sake—then and there I had determined… I would never allow my children feel helpless just because they lost their father , yes, that was fulfilled for some extent in the words o my own children” we never felt the dearth of fathers love even after his demise, we never felt that we are helpless just because dad is not there , we never had been orphaned. This was spoken directly or indirectly, verbally and none verbally by my children quiet often.
And I am proud of them too for they made my efforts easier to carry on by their own strength and confidence and positive outlook.
Their stay abroad made them to think and behave quiet well, self sufficient, hard working and well disciplined. Often I coaxed them that I am, by the grace of God able to take care of them as prince and princess if they prefer to stay with me) (one secret here, I like that eagle destroying the nest of the good of its eaglets, many a times) It was my favorite text of mine once my children finished their studies of course)
But they preferred to go and go on and face the hurdles of life and face all the dangers of life to learn the lessons of life rather than to be pampered as lazy prince and princess at home. May have questions me why I did not keep one of them with me Hey that was not the way I brought them up, for my selfish reasons I cannot be a hurdle of their growth, freedom and better future plans. Life has so much to give to them and I can not make them to depend on me, thought I shed tears in my empty nest, self pitying over my lonely life, yet I can not be a selfish mother asking them to stay with me for my personal, selfish ambitions of having family, on the other hand just by their stay with me or my stay with them would never crate a family as such as in the past life of mine.
Oh course, my lord has take my dear husband and He Himself arranged the marriage of my daughter (my Father in heaven He Himself revealed this) was the promise given for the daughters wedding and He was given opportunity strength and courage to my son to venture new things in life
When things happen, by him so beautifully why should I intervene in between and spoil this beautiful design of my life!!
Oh yes, while writing this article filling these pages with my innermost feelings I am relieved, relaxed. I started this article with heavy heart and in the middle of it I started to flow unceasingly, and now at the end of the pages I feel light hearted, thankful to my Lord God, and happily all together.
Hey it does not mean that this mind of mine is permanent and that I got permanent wisdom oh never, it’s only a phase, a stage of life its not static theory – oh not at all, its today’s “manna” 0 its today’s “solace” comfort and strength.
Tomorrow I need His special grace again in different mode or in the same way as of today.
My life , my thoughts, my disposition is not static as some may proclaim, I am like running stream, my heart flows, my life runs my thoughts wish, my ideas jump, and me would emerge differently every day, and I think God for such life, For the gift of the life because its “me” not like to others I am unique and I am a ‘person’ and thereby He loves me as I am, quiet different from others, I thank God for everything today!!