just my life

A Place to Live

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2012

Catch the Air!!!!!

Some times I feel that I am really good, some times i am just feeling that i am good for nothing, no use in this world, and much afraid to live for longer time. I do not know how would be my future. How would be my old age. where i need to live. oh i must do some research about the good christian old age homes, where they would send me peacefully to the other shore of the river. who would help me to cross the river peacefully.
I am really scared where I would live , how I would live and how would be my end. how many more years/months/days I have to live. I really feel that my work here in this world is over, and i need not live any more. But to finish is not in my hands. “Finished” is the word, my Lord uttered on the cross. It was the last word from His mouth. He finished His life, His work , His sacrifice, successfully according to the Plan of the Father God.
And why this gloom is overwhelming me all in a sudden sometimes.The more I live, the more I realized that i am toiling to catch the air. That is what Solomon the wise king saith. Trying to catch the air. Life is trying to catch the air. nothing but trying to catch air. No goal, No interests to carry on. Even if I try health would not permit me. so only thing is finding the power in prayer. Only that will give me strength, and joy in life. If one day i neglect that , there is not power in life. Prayer has power. And I must have that power. only at the feet of Jesus i will get it. Let me really try for it.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25, 2012

Past—Present—choosing place to live

People often ask me, —- “Why I am staying alone in Eluru, whereas my children are in America and Australia, why I would prefer to go and stay with them, rather than staying here, who is here, to look after me, what is the use of living all alone in this house.”

— Even the so called heads of the evangelical groups started to pray that I should evacuate the house , so that they can use my premises for their vested interests in the name of religion. Their kindly advice goes like this, —–” hey , you widow, your husband was such a godly man, he lived for God and died in God service, you as a lonely widow cannot maintain the house, and the garden (????) , better you sell this place to us to the lowest price that ever exist, and thereby God would bless you and your children for the little sacrifice you do”——-
I was asked by my friends, what is the meaning of living all alone in an individual house. and they freely gave their easy advice telling me to buy a flat in an apartment, and shift from here.
Some started to tell me that this house is not very good according to their superstitions and thereby i better demolish this and construct another one; which may cost me around 20 lakhs… , knowing pretty well that I need not go through all that unnecessary ordeal at this age. ( I am 59, nearing 60 years)
Strangely, only my neighbors never uttered a single word against my stay over in this street, living all alone. We purchased this house in the year 1994 and they know how I lived with my husband and children, my job, my children studies, my children marriages, my grand children.etc etc.
Even my own kith and kin, especially my own blood relations, have an yellow eye on my comfortable life, and they inwardly crave for the piece of land my dad has given to me, and they covet that hoping that they could lay down their greedy hand on it if only I leave this country and die else where.
So I started to quest the answer for these questions, brooding over these simply stupid advices , wondering how far they meant to be good for me.
So here I am recording what all that I did after I have come from USA after 5 months long stay, what I gained there, what I lost here, evaluating my life. The pros and cons of my life there and here.
First of all let me put down what I have done after I came on Nov 23rd 2011.
I got a flight to Gannavaram straight from Shamshabad and reached home with the help of my kindly friends, Karun and Sunder who has come all the way to the Airport to transport me to my home. The love and kindness, the effort they have taken the money they spent for me on petrol cannot be counted in coins. I owe them my love and prayers for their development in spiritual and academic lives. Their parents Indira and kaviraju , a constant comfort to my ailing lame life since the days of my husband.
Even in shamshabad airport Solomon and his dad, Able Raju came to see me to leave for eluru. He bought a flight ticket for me from Hyderabad to eluru, and of course i paid the money back to them. But the effort they have taken to send me off, is cannot be measured in money wise.
After I came , the first news i heard is that Andal my dear friend who used to call me “Akka” since the beginning of our acquaintance had passed away just the same day I arrived to Eluru, only a few hours before.
So the very next day as soon as I came to know that sad news, I rushed to their home taking some of the people I knew in the church. I spent some time there talked to many known people whom I did not see for an year from that day.
The next day I went to see Manimma, my old teacher friend of ages, who lost her ailing husband when I was in USA I spent some time with them , thanking God for Krupa who was my helper to give some companionship , at home.
Manimma and her son tried to inflict strange ideas of true church , trying to win my confidence telling me that ” the Church of Christ is the only true church as it is founded on the name of Jesus Christ. They claimed that the member of their church will go to heaven but no the other churches because all the other churches are not in the name of Jesus Christ, but in the name of leaders or on their concepts.
Later I come to know Hari , our beloved girl who died when i was in USA , her memorial service would be conducted in Thadepalli Gudem, So I took a cab and visited that place and od has given me an opportunity to speak about her in the service. Later I went to Kakinada and stayed with Aunty for one night , the next day I went to steel plant where I could visit Hema and vijaya valli , had lunch there and went to see my mother in vizag and we went to see chinnababy and stayed that night there and next day stayed with mom , cleaned my room and returned home after three days of journey. It costed me 5450 rupees.
Next I had a letter from DHE office that I need to tie up new proposals for revised pay scale pension plan. so I had to book a ticket in the berth bus and went and stayed with Solome and Able Raju family, we went to the house of Manohara, and Joy and another house, later we went to ECIL and went to the hosue of prabhavathi sister of Madhulikha, and to the hosuer of anohter sister where i gave word of God to Leelavathi, suneetha and other sisters like Jayakumari, I met Reddyanna in the bus stop.later i stayed till annie come and then went and stayed with mary aunty, for three days. Durin that stay I visited Pushpa house, Nirmala house, and Kumar house, and Padma house and Cecelia house and Pushapavathi house. I visited Menonite church. Later i returned home I thought I should not travel any more.
But it so happened my mom said that she is willing to come to eluru so I booked another cab and went to pick up my mom , on the way I went to see Brother Rufus house in Rajahmundry. Sr. Theresa Cherian in Mangalapalem in St Anne High school , later I came home the same day at about 12 midnight.
Today I went to a wedding of Timothy and Hepsiba in Abraham church . I went to Madhavi house for dinner , and also I went to see Sr Mercy and SR Ursula , I went to Old students day, and Christmas party in the college, also went to Mrs Catherine husband memorial day in thanallamudi . I went to Bible study twice, in CYSC and went to Mrs swarna kamala house twice and Anila house once and visited every hosue in our street on Jan 1st to ive some cakes and fruits. I attended the wedding of Joshua son of bro. Devasahayam. and attended Andal memorial service. I went to see Christina who lost her teenage daughter in an accident, also attended the memorial serice . I visited the house of Babu rao and Esther and prayed . I visited my old student house Sailaja and spend some time with her and her husband. I visited Nirmala jyothi and Neeraja and spend one afternoon, in their apartment opposite BSNL office. All this happend in my life within the span of 64 days in India. Life is good and active, and energetic, and lively. I donot feel lonely here. I cook well and eat well and I have visitors at home. like Sridevi, Achuthamba and krishan rao, Bardwaja, Murali, Abraham Santhakumari Renson babu, Lazrus, Suresh, and many others.
I went to Vijayroy and visited the site of Happy and james, and visited the hosue of Nagaswarao.
So this is my life , tomorrow I will go to Madhulatha hotel to spend some time with my college friends on occasion of retirement of Leelakumari. Later i have some errand to finish in CYSC as a helping hand to John Ratnam aunty.
This is how my life at random sample, I visited Dental hospital thrice all ready for some errand, Ao this my life so busy and happy in Eluru, in India. I went to I bought good blouses and got them stitched, I shopped in Hyderabad and bought 4saries and i shopped in CMR in vizag and bought 2 sarees there. Thus my craving for shopping also fulfilled. I lived my life as I like .uht good nice hand bags, and bought saries for my sisters Is it possible in USA or in Vizag ??? Never never , I went to Virginia beach , visited many houses parties, and bible study classes, women retreats and sing simplicity classes, restaurants, but those were not my choice , i just attended along with he other family, the family of Happy and james, even the shopping was not of my choice. i had really really great life, but some how i did not have that thrill and freedom now I enjoy here, there i visited Lynchburg and even the life there was active and energetic but i had to travel in their car, and i was just passive spectator, I had no choice of my own, i just follow the life they lead. umm any way, in vizag i never know any one there if i went with my sisters, social get together s. i had friends in the church but i did not have my own vehicle, i had to depend on some others to go out not like in Eluru, …(2 b cont)

of hot/cold blood

Power of youthful blood is known only when you get cold blood in old age. The hair gives away its lustrous look, and becomes rough, and gray, the eyes cheat you making you think that you saw some one else while you are looking at some body, the teeth get loosen and unless you get new set , the loosen ones effect your health through your saliva and blood vessels, the knees get fragile, and toes become swifty, and you wonder why you are falling down without your knowledge. All those things you did in the past , like getting down from the train while still it going on, or getting into it while pushing all others just to get a comfortable seat in unreserved seat,or enjoying the smell of the flowers, taste of spicy food, seeing new places climbing steep steps to get a better view, becomes a unknown life happened to you as if it in a dream.

What happened to that sweet smile, sharp eyes, hearty laughter, musical voice, teasing tone, and springy feet? Those were the days when , wanted to pursue so many useful things, like social service and writing novels, learning musical instruments, driving long long distances, but there was no time then,so postponed everything for the retirement days; and now after the retirement just doing the household things also give lot of strain on the body, and makes me to take longer time to finish any given errand.
They are wise to make 58 years as the retirement age, so that they need not have old people in their work places.

Only thing is my brain is still active, still able to think and able to remember, the long term memory is still intact, ofcourse the short term memory is showing its aged symptoms now and then and making me miserable sometimes. So what I am thinking is why should not I use this memory and put down all that it gives me to record.
May be one of my grand grand children would find my writings worth while and make it published novel and my surname MALAKA would become sweeter name in my long distance family circle??? oh oh, these and other unfullfilled desires of my dad’s longing for male child and thus carrying the surname becoming my obsession of life now a days. I am the only first one who sudied post graduation, and being a lady who can drive the car , and who visited the foriegn country, only lady who put lipstick and nail polish.. etc..hahaha. in our MALAKA circle. …umm , thoughts running like a flow of waterfall, flying like a bird without wings.

And when I see other people who achieved so much but gained nothing in their lives, I am again depressed. some days in my life are really colourful, bright, red, yellow, orange and green… but some days are just gloomy , dark, black and brown.. and depressive. Do every body feel like me?? or only me feel like this and make my life miserable for myself and for others around .
Actually I had an idea to go to ooty and settle there, just to have beautfiul surroundings, and cool breeze, snow fall, and unknown people and utter privacy , lonely lonely undistrurbed life. Even I thought of learning the language of the tribals there and do some God’s ministry there. Haha ha.. I even bargained a cottage on top of a hillock so that I could go and live there, in every summer, till I get retired. haha , now all that became another dream , Now after my retirement I found that my hot blood is no more flowing in my viens, and my cold blood is giving me lot of cramps in the legs and at the back of chest. And God has rightly kept me in a tropical place where I can sustain without much grief.
Even I thought I can keep my mother aged 78 with me and bring my aged aunties of 70 years, and 65 years and give them real wonderful care and thereby I can get some thrill in life. haha… another shock, my mom as of any aged person longed to go back to her own single room where she was much accustomed since 1985… the old surroundings, the old familiar people, and thereby my stupid imagination of keeping and caring her was nullified to the very core of its seedling.
Now after much thinking, and meditating, brooding, discussing with myself, I realized that the my bed room is the most deceiving/cheating and panic room to end all my desires of becoming a writer. So I found another small room suddenly extending into most comfortable spacious room after moving the furniture hither and thither, and became the most beautiful room with utter silence and calm and soothing atmosphere.
I have nice cosy small single bed with a comfortable table and book stand with two tubelights, and one cieling fan and one table fan and an easy chair to sit comfortably to type on my lap top.
HEY EUREKHA… I found my comfort right in my small house. and in my small room. without any distractions of TV or sleeping bed.
Let me see how many more days I can live in this UTOPIA …. my mind is cheater. I cannot believe it. Let me trust in God who can make me the beloved child of His. Only thing is I put my supplications with all my views, imaginations, and desires at His feet. I am sure He would see after that, and give me only the best which would make me feel good.
God be with me and bless me. Lord please bless me Lord. STrengthen my right hand. extend my territory. and Help me out of all sad and evil things.
Because even today I wept bitterly after seeing the old photoes of my dear dear husband, whenever he comes in my dream I still see him ailing with some pain or suffering from sickness. The stress , the agony , the fear, I suffered during his illness, do not leave me still, that shock of his abrupt departure , still haunt me , and wounds me deeply, still, and without my effort my eyes shed tears, and my heart wrenches itself painfully. I know if he is alive he would be 64 years by now, and must be very weak, and fragile.. but that would not deter me from weeping for my loss. I want him desperately, I need him to talk, I need him to share my foolish deeds, I need him to discuss things .. most of all I need him to pray together. That loss makes me miserable still, and makes me to cry aloud at times. I know its foolishness, but you know , my brain is still active, though my body is weak, I think , i dream, I desire, I imagine, I have intellectual imagination, and I want him to be with me to go out, to shop out, to appreciated my cooking, my decoration of the house, my kitchen garden, my good saries, I want him to smile at me, and to tell me some jokes to make me laugh. Nobody can full fill this dearth of loss in life.
Even at this age, even after 12 years of his demise still my brain works so actively/? my body is not as active as my brain, but I still need a comforting shoulder to cry sometimes. I need a comfortable hand to tap on my head, when I told him that I did a mistake..!!
Last night he came in my dream, so sick so weak… but still I need him. Why? that 22 years of married life can not be forgotten?? I lived with my dad for 26 years, but his death do not cut my heart like this. His death I could accept, I remember his love and his encouragement, but it would not hurt me as my husband’s death do to me. ………..
I wonder how many more days, months, years I have to live like this in this room alone, alone and alone. Would I die just as alone as I am now? or would I die among other old women of my age, in an old age home? or would I die in a hospital after much physical suffering? Or would I die among the people who would not love me for I am old and useless, and nagging, and sick?? would I die among the loving people around me??
I am scared of my future. Because the future is certainly not a youthful future, its not a healthy future, its not an active future. No dreams for the future. No goal for it. just spending every day somehow and waiting for the next day. When it is sunset I feel ok let me go to bed and try for some sleep. and when it is sunrise , ok let me do my daily course and keep myself busy with something, so that I can keep myself healthy. At the same time, feeling some cramp somewhere, some pain some where, and wondering why this, is this pain is a passing pain/ or some symptom of some horrible disease that I may encounter shorty..or in long run?? after that pain subsided, again this active brain of mine plans , imagines a number of schemes of work hoping I will be useful to my self and to others, especially to my children and grand children..
wow this cold blood would not allow me to do any thing that I want to do.. as the days go by I will find myself imprisoned into my own body. my spirit would tie up to my own wrinkled body and I see that I am here on this earth not able to do anything. Oh God please help me.

Show More

LeelaMalaka

Hello All! I am a retired Lecturer, Former Air Hostesses, and a writer. I love to share MY STORIES, WITH MY GOD.

Related Articles

Close