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How to have Happy Married Life?

In 1970s there were many divorce cases in USA comparing to India; so once an Indian orator was invited for conference on Marital relations, there he was questioned, how come there are a very few divorces in India, was it deep love between the couple?  For that our orator transparently answered, ” No No, not Love, how can be Love make couple to stick together, they cannot tell to one another 24×7   “I love you  I love you ” .

Then what is the secret they asked him. He answered ” Since ages our marriage system sustains without divorces because of one word, i.e., “Tolerance” towards one another. ”

But now a days this word has no meaning between the couple at all, so we too accelerate in divorces in India.

But our married life since the day one was quiet different, I made all the efforts to have peace and love in the home. I used to make variety food, for him , never compromised in cooking, though I was naive in culinary skills, I used to refer Malathi Chandur’s Cook book, often.  I did not like my husband to eat in cafeteria, so I used to prepare dal, fry, curry, omelet, and chutney along with rice  for lunch and give breakfast of idly, dosa, pan cakes, or some delicious things along with Horlicks to him. I looked after  him with utmost care and love. In fact , I treated him like a king all through our married life.           I used to teach the women in church, “When you treat your husband as a king, he will turn up into a king, if you treat your husband as a pauper, he will turn up into a pauper.”     Proverbs 31 chapter was my guidance,to my family life,   as a good wife.  I toiled day and night in the kitchen, took care of  children while working 8 hours in the college, along with many other responsibilities undertaken,  in his absence; even I learned to go to ration shop, buy kerosene standing in a Que.  In my maternal home we used to have an ‘orderly’;a police constable to do all that mundane things at home, in those days, I never was accustomed to cook or to shop.  But I took every thing as a challenge in life and learned to rise up to the occasion. I used to iron his clothes, polish his shoes,  clean his bicycle too . I had no restrictions for my love for him. I had great regard for him.  He is just an ordinary man, but I determined to love him when I married him. When there is love in married life nothing is burdensome. For me LOVE is a decision in life.  When we determined to love a person, we can, and that love surpasses all understanding, it overrules every limitation, it over looks all follies, it sacrifices for the well being of that person. This love comes from God, when we pray for it and decide for it in His presence.  When we know that we are in the center of His will as a foundation of married life , everything can be a source of happiness.  If the  If the couple would find the married life uncouth as their love is only  on account of outward appearances or fleshly needs, and comforts  that love is selfish and gives rise to spikes in life. Love and hope and endurance had no place in such marital lives, because  they find fault with one another due to selfishness seeking their own pleasure, forgetting adaptability, commitment to family life.They expect their spouse to do service to them, and fulfill their desires and dreams of unmarried life, the life they enjoyed and dreamed before marriage. Marriage could not give place to such dreams , because its a commitment to take care of other person not of own; this main concept and principle of married life should be exercised 24×7 of 365 days of every year. It cannot be ignored even for a second. Therefore when they demand  one another  and expect the other to serve them in every situation of life,  instead of serving the other, that marriage is a disaster.  Even if we forget this great endurance for one another, the ruin of that house would be tremendous .  Some people do not want to take up this challenge of life, by not getting married, such people never could get this chastising refinement. If people consecrate their lives to the service of the Lord by not getting married and involve in worldly things,it is well and good. But avoiding the marriage just for the love of entertainment, free life without any commitment, is not good in the sight of God.  The Golden Rule given by Jesus,    ” To have friends, be ye a friend” is forgotten because Jesus is not the center of their family life. If we just can not cope up with just one another human being by marriage by sharing our life, how can we serve society, how can we love the world as God loved the world? After all Marriage is an institution established by God Himself, and found it is the beautiful relationship on this earth, but if man or woman despise this institution and run away from commitment, God would not appreciate such lives. Marriage is an institution where people trained in exercising Love or sharing his things with other fellow human being in close quarters.  Expecting nothing from the other but giving only should be the core principle of married life.  Adaptability is the main thing to have a good family life. A mature person is the one who can adapt to life situations.  Decision and Determination is all that needed for love.When we decide to love, it comes automatically. Selfishness can not have a place in such love. This love is needed in married life on both sides.

In my maternal home we used to have an ‘orderly’;a police constable to do all that mundane things at home, in those days, I never was accustomed to cook or to shop.  But I took every thing as a challenge in life and learned to rise up to the occasion. I used to iron his clothes, polish his shoes,  clean his bicycle too . I had no restrictions for my love for him. I had great regard for him.  He is just an ordinary man, but I determined to love him when I married him. When there is love in married life nothing is burdensome. For me LOVE is a decision in life.  When we determined to love a person, we can, and that love surpasses all understanding, it overrules every limitation, it over looks all follies, it sacrifices for the well being of that person. This love comes from God, when we pray for it and decide for it in His presence.  When we know that we are in the center of His will as a foundation of married life , everything can be a source of happiness.  If the couple would find the married life uncouth as their love is only  on account of outward appearances or fleshly needs, and comforts  that love is selfish and gives rise to spikes in life. Love and hope and endurance had no place in such marital lives, because  they find fault with one another due to selfishness seeking their own pleasure, forgetting adaptability, commitment to family life.They expect their spouse to do service to them, and fulfill their desires and dreams of unmarried life, the life they enjoyed and dreamed before marriage. Marriage could not give place to such dreams , because its a commitment to take care of other person not of own; this main concept and principle of married life should be exercised 24×7 of 365 days of every year. It cannot be ignored even for a second. Therefore when they demand  one another  and expect the other to serve them in every situation of life,  instead of serving the other, that marriage is a disaster.  Even if we forget this great endurance for one another, the ruin of that house would be tremendous .  Some people do not want to take up this challenge of life, by not getting married, such people never could get this chastising refinement. If people consecrate their lives to the service of the Lord by not getting married and involve in worldly things,it is well and good. But avoiding the marriage just for the love of entertainment, free life without any commitment, is not good in the sight of God.  The Golden Rule given by Jesus,    ” To have friends, be ye a friend” is forgotten because Jesus is not the center of their family life. If we just can not cope up with just one another human being by marriage by sharing our life, how can we serve society, how can we love the world as God loved the world? After all Marriage is an institution established by God Himself, and found it is the beautiful relationship on this earth, but if man or woman despise this institution and run away from commitment, God would not appreciate such lives. Marriage is an institution where people trained in exercising Love or sharing his things with other fellow human being in close quarters.  Expecting nothing from the other but giving only should be the core principle of married life.  Adaptability is the main thing to have a good family life. A mature person is the one who can adapt to life situations.  Decision and Determination is all that needed for love.When we decide to love, it comes automatically. Selfishness can not have a place in such love. This love is needed in married life on both sides.evvuyf87tv5f5d Some people do not want to take up this challenge of life, by not getting married, such people never could get this chastising refinement. If people consecrate their lives to the service of the Lord by not getting married and involve in worldly things,it is well and good. But avoiding the marriage just for the love of entertainment, free life without any commitment, is not good in the sight of God.  The Golden Rule given by Jesus,    ” To have friends, be ye a friend” is forgotten because Jesus is not the center of their family life. If we just can not cope up with just one another human being by marriage by sharing our life, how can we serve society, how can we love the world as God loved the world? After all Marriage is an institution established by God Himself, and found it is the beautiful relationship on this earth, but if man or woman despise this institution and run away from commitment, God would not appreciate such lives. Marriage is an institution where people trained in exercising Love or sharing his things with other fellow human being in close quarters.  Expecting nothing from the other but giving only should be the core principle of married life.  Adaptability is the main thing to have a good family life. A mature person is the one who can adapt to life situations.  Decision and Determination is all that needed for love.When we decide to love, it comes automatically. Selfishness can not have a place in such love. Tolerance and adjustment are the by products of love.This love is needed in married life on both sides. Selfishness has no place in happy married life. We cannot dictate our own terms in this commitment of marriage. Some people do not want to get marry fearing this commitment. But God said ,’ Its not good to man to live alone. After all man is a social being. Here man means man or woman. This main concept and principle of married life should be exercised 24×7 of 365 days of every year. It cannot be ignored even for a second. Therefore when they demand  one another  and expect the other to serve them in every situation of life,  instead of serving the other, that marriage is a disaster.  Even if we forget this great endurance for one another, the ruin of that house would be tremendous .  Some people do not want to take up this challenge of life, by not getting married, such people never could get this chastising refinement. If people consecrate their lives to the service of the Lord by not getting married and involve in worldly things,it is well and good. But avoiding the marriage just for the love of entertainment, free life without any commitment, is not good in the sight of God.  The Golden Rule given by Jesus,    ” To have friends, be ye a friend” is forgotten because Jesus is not the center of their family life. If we just can not cope up with just one another human being by marriage by sharing our life, how can we serve society, how can we love the world as God loved the world? After all Marriage is an institution established by God Himself, and found it is the beautiful relationship on this earth, but if man or woman despise this institution and run away from commitment, God would not appreciate such lives. Marriage is an institution where people trained in exercising Love or sharing his things with other fellow human being in close quarters.  Expecting nothing from the other but giving only should be the core principle of married life.  Adaptability is the main thing to have a good family life. A mature person is the one who can adapt to life situations.  Decision and Determination is all that needed for love.When we decide to love, it comes automatically. Selfishness can not have a place in such love. This love is needed in married life on both sides.

          I had deep respect and love for my husband every minute of my life. I was careful all ways not to bring any trace of lovelessness between us. He was my husband, my  friend, my pastor, and my all. I almost liked to lose my identity , ‘No Leela ,but only Tadigiri Yesurtnam’ in my life ,in family or in church. I was happy in my’ self – imposed ‘sacrificial role’ as his subordinate in every situation.    — Why I was like that?  because, I prayed that I should have a God fearing husband, and The Lord confirmeth that prayer  through His word, Isaiah 44:26-28 (its yet, an another story, which I would like to write ,later in some other book, God willing ) and also  the word of God compelled me to be a good wife, and I wanted to be a good, loyal and obedient wife at any cost, in any given situation of life; a role model to the little congregation we were tending up. A good example to my children, so that the name of God be glorified.  It was my principle of life, and I had decided to live up to the Good Proverbial wife in 31 chapter. When st.Paul said, ‘Husband is the head of wife, just as Christ is the Head of the Church.,women must obey their  husband’. I believed it that it should be, with all my heart  then and forever. A woman has respect  in community only when she respects her husband just as she obeyed the word of God and Christ. Therefore most of the times I had to forego my little pleasures, had to change the whole pattern of my habits, my life , my conversations, my friends, my wishes my tastes too, according to his life style.  After St. Paul cautioned us ” if you want to get marry , be ready to encounter certain afflictions to face in married life.” (1 Cor 7:28).  Knowing this fact gives wisdom to the couple. Easy life is not for married couple.   a person can not be selfish, self oriented, and self seeking, because they are no more separated, but they are ONE and every good and bad or joyful or sorrowful event in life, would be shared by both. This revelation is a must in married life to both married couple. They are no more separated.

       I  heard a beautiful dialogue between a couple, the wife was saying, “Because of me you are drawn into many problems, for me, and for my family” -He said, “When I determined to love you and marry you, your problems became mine, and your family is mine, we are amalgamated with one another in life.                                        Here this equation is wrong> 1 +1 = 2   but one + one=Two right entity, we are merged into one another and formed into a different identity.”— Adjustment and adaptability is a MUST.    Was it very difficult for me?   Yes, of course, it was, but often I erase that dissatisfaction and watered it with love for him. I tell you when a wife plays  such loving and submissive role in the home I do not think that any husband could not but love her to the utmost. Men should love their wives as their own body, taking care of it every second of his life, protect her,  love her, respect her, cherish her just as he takes care of his own body, that just like as he takes healthy food, take exercise, dress up neatly, self dignified, and conduct himself in self esteem in the public. To love her is his duty. If not his wife whom he wants to love ? It is as simple as it is, no other go. But many a times, the church do not speak to husbands how he should love his wife, but give long sermons only on obedience of wife.  The public also has a critical eye on her and scrutinize her character according to her obedience, but never,they dwell upon the topic of  “how much he should be gentle and how he should exercise his conduct respectfully and lovingly towards his wife; andhe should play the role of Head to his house hold by taking responsibility through prayer and trusting God being the Head of his life as husband and father.”, Therefore, I say with a sort whimsical attitude that , many times we women need to  pray for the love of husbands also, while obeying them.  This is man’s world, and we women must learn how to be a winner on our knees. Otherwise men will remind us about the Eve and her disobedience and our inheritance from her. Though most men love their wives, the male chauvinism in the man will never leave him. His authority and his upper hand over the matters of family would never go underneath. He shows his bossism unkindly now and then. In such circumstances either the woman utterly broken in spirit, depressed or revolt and ruin married life,Once it break out it would become an evil habit of hers unless repent deeply; or be submissive and learn of Him taking His counsel, and guidance and protection from Him and be obedient in spite of any thing happens. Yes God is her witness . Even now, behold, my witness in heaven, and he who testifies for me is on high. Ob 16:19 

Though God told the widow women that He would be their husband to take care of them, sometimes, I am very certain,  when her husband is very bossy , cruel , unkind, God takes care of such women in special way too just as He is with widows. Everything works good for them who love God and called upon by Him.Therefore as the Head f the house He will take care of her if she is unjustly treated. Either way is good for women.–O woman are you a- lonely wife because of senseless Nabal like husband? or just a lonely widow? Doesn’t matter, God has special place for women in His heart, He loved Eve even by giving her hope and promise of getting His son from her seed alone. Either a cruel husband or no husband whatever , however, she can cry unto the Lord and He would take care of her in special way, and in spectacular way. 

 I had very peculiar experience of counselling the wives on this aspect of obedience to her husband; I was utterly put to shame first in 1990 when I tried to teach a woman to obey her husband, she  shouted at me for my Godly advice and divorced her husband; But later she was caught up in an illegal relation and put to shame later in front of the whole street where she lived: This woman had a paramour but married this man thinking that he was rich.so her true colours came out in just matter three years of married life.  Later in 1995 again another  one who posed herself as if she was the most righteous woman, she again shouted at me  and made an ugly scene in front of my house in the late hours of the night, on the road,  I think she enraged even in her home upon her husband and mother -in-law right in front f her little child who was afraid very much and struck with high temperature. At least this women repented ,later the next morning came and apologized. But her pride and shoutings like village labourer were never ceased in her life.  and there was another teacher who boss over her husband and humiliated him in front of everyone, her both daughters became unruly and defamed the home and did not grown up in their pursuit of education, and there is another lady who is again hates her husband, due to many reasons but when counseled her to show respect to him in spite of his mindless deeds, she repelled the advice and as a result the whole community excommunicated her and she became lonely and useless in every field, there was another high ranked employee in a bank when she was counselled to build her home by obeying her husband, she shouted at the people who advised her and as a result divorced and living all alone since then, there is another lecturer who was in the same path, leading pathetic life, with bad name. Recently an educated girl never learned to respect her husband just like her mother , and started to have relation with her previous paramour and divorce her husband married that crook .

So I could open my eyes very lately, I thought I could counsel women in family matters, and teach them how to obey their husbands, by many examples in my life, and quoting Sarah how she used to call Abraham her husband as “Master” etc etc, Even I was wrongly entertaining  a concept that I could teach women and families how to build their homes in the years before 2000, before the demise of my husband, , by exalting them on the principles of Eph 6ch .but now I understand that I am not fit for this role. My exemplary life of the past,  my obedience to my husband is old fashioned, and outdated to the  women now. Examples of Sarah Scriptures from epistles of Peter are no more welcomed by these ultra modern minded foolish women, either in the year 1989 or in this year 2018, they did not have obedient mothers, they never had been subjected to the authority of parents, especially father, not obedient to the teachers in the school, nor to the boss in the office or in the place they work therefore teaching them to obey husband  became an outdated concept to them. I am in the wrong impression that the scripture is ever shining touch stone and guide to the family life and I thought all Christian families should obey the rules and if they are guided properly they would obey by all means,especially christian women. But in my observation the women from other religions are more respectful to their husbands due to the norms and customs of their religion, due to the fear of the  elders in the family or the society, but not our sisters in christ, they became unduly independent and never learned to be obedient to their parents at home because of the bad example given by their own parents.. Should I Thank God for  I did not indulge into such foolish act of conducting family seminars recently or otherwise  they would have tear me up into pieces, just as our Lord warned us, ” Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces– Matt 7:6

On the other hand  I felt that money should not be a criteria, to bring clashes of opinions in between us. Money and Physical attraction between the couple either make or break the marital relations. one should take care of the other. St. Paul though he was an unmarried bachelor , very gently warned the couple about this physical relationship saying it should be maintained very gently, without bringing any clash in family life. Because these  will ruin the marital relationship if handled ruthlessly.     ( Many families disunited due to the matters of  money issues, and in issues of biological needs of one another.St. Paul very gently spoke about this issue that man has no right on his own body but to his wife, and woman has no right on her body but to her husband. but he exhorted   them to take time to pray without giving much stress to others biological needs. Better to have his own wife he said. He smoothly dealt with this sexual matters and warned the husband and wife to deal with one another carefully lest it brings temptation and ruin the family.Do not deprive one another , except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control  1 Corinthians 7:5 Now a days, the younger generation forgot the most important word of the marriage,  the basic principle of marriage, that is, “Let the marriage bed be undefiled” —the bed should be blameless. ” What does it mean, one must not have any thought of adultery or fornication before going  into marital relations about the other partner.. Marriage is not for adultery or fornication. It should be flawless in the sight of God. The desire of sexual instinct must come only after marriage, not before. Trusting and obeying Him in marital relations is only the principle of life. Any thing less than that is adultery.  Isaac took Rebecca who came to be his wife according to the desire and guidance  of Abraham and God, so he took her to be his wife and then loved her, and she was a great comfort to him. The devil always gives the opposite rules of word of God.It says “check your love for that girl and check your lust for that girl, whether you have instinct of lust seeing her..” From where this theory emerged? This is not God’s theory ! God gives marriage first, then love and biological desire  for one another, its in order. If one of us change this order, the life would be ruined. Never we be cheated by the evil one in matters of marital relations. The next thing is Money,  that causes rift in between the couple).—-

 From the very beginning of our married life, we both were very clear that we should never  ask our parents for any need in our home, or suggest any thing we needed or tell them or get the things from them.  Proverbs 28:24    was unspoken commandment in our family life. “Whoever steals from his father or mother but claims, ‘it’s no sin’  is a companion to one who destroys.”  Who is the destroyer? None but the Satan.   When you covet from the mother and father, and father-in-law and mother-in-law,or Daughter in law,or son in law , son or daughter, and take from them asking them, insisting on them you are just a friend of the Devil, whatever you do, will be destroyed. And in long run you will lose 100 folds of your money.

 I never asked my parents for my expenditure once I finished my PG,  I worked hard for my postage to apply for jobs, and bus fares to attend the interviews.    Even for my marriage , I saved money for the expenditure of the wedding. For three years  I worked as lecturer, and I saved money and gave it to my dad for the expenses of my wedding.  That was my  custom and dignity of life. When I see some people who ask parents to give money even after 25 years of married life  I am astonished  at their  greediness.

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LeelaMalaka

Hello All! I am a retired Lecturer, Former Air Hostesses, and a writer. I love to share MY STORIES, WITH MY GOD.

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