Pastor’s widow’s Life ( part 4 )


 ( part 4 )

                     After I wrote part 3,  I wrote part 4  for such a long time but suddenly all that I typed was vanished from the screen. I think by mistake I deleted it.
So it took a little more time to come back to these pages to continue with the story of my sorrowful event in my life.
Thus after praying at the body of my dear husband I came and sat near a pole leaning , too tired, and hapless… lonely.
People are in crowds around me, , some are talking to me now and then, some were sitting in groups and crying silently.
Tears flowing freely… I was numb and listless.
Somebody came and sat with me, I think that was Mrs Baburao, I call her  Maryamma.. came and told me, ‘ there is a phone call from Kamalakka, asking you whether you would postpone the children retreat ” ( It was supposed to start from 31st August)
my husband died on 29th August, 2000 and it was middle of the night)   Burial will be on 30th.
I looked at her blankly.   I remembered my husband and his zeal for the Lord. I remembered  our daily Family prayer. I remembered his prayer suddenly.
” Lord let not me or my family be a stumbling block to your ministry, in  our service to you.” ( I used to object a  little in my heart, ‘why he prays so, after all as a family we are striving to do our level best in ministering Him, ‘ Any way , whatever , because he prayed so let me say Amen along with him” so I was saying Amen, though not able to understand why he was praying thus, all those years.)
Yes, I remembered it once again as if the Lord was telling me, ‘ see , now what are you going to do?’
I said, to her, ” Let the children Retreat will be conducted as usual, just like he had planned.”And the children Retreat was conducted for three days,  how I conducted myself , I do not remember, but like zombie I supervised the things while the tears were zooming out uncontrollably.I was overseering the burial arrangements too, people were coming and saying different words of consolation. But I was deaf, I was blind, I was dull , I was numb.  Nothing going into my mind.
But one thing piercing in my heart, many people are saying,  ‘oh why he died so soon, he is only 52 years old, she is only 47 years old.  he is such a good and great evangelist, there is  so much work to do, he is doing so much work for the Lord in and around Eluru, why he died at the age of 52 years?”
I was listening, but I did not have an answer for it. I was gazing into their tearful faces, children were crying aloud at the body, women were wailing aloud, men were in shock and doing the burial arrangements.    I was on the floor sitting some time, and sitting at his coffin some time.
tears tears tears…… my saree was drenched in tears…nothing to say, nothing to think. Mind was blank.
I was remembering those days, how  I took him to different hospitals,  Eluru Railway hospital, private hospitals, Hyderabad Railway hopital, Vellore CMC, Ramesh coridology in vijayawada… 3 years passed away to that day. in 1997  on the same day 29th August he got the first heart attack , in 1999 after the completion of his 25 years of Government service he took voluntary retirement on April 8th…He worked out all the pension and other emoluments, and settled everything.
Started to draw Pension, deposited some money in the post office to get monthly interest to meet our expenses.  By this time all our financial commitments with his family and three unmarried sisters were over. They got married, even his brother got married, his parents were in less burden, so we started to build our own family a little better financially.
Life was going on smoothly.
But now everything went on stand still.I stood on the dais to give an adieu  and  to give an account of his last few minutes with me. Suddenly I remembered him , how he used to tell me ‘ Leela, time time… ” showing his wrist watch if I exceed a little time in my speeches.. in the church. ”  I ended my speech on that day, ‘Oh if he is here he would tell me that time is up,……..So…now.. I can not disobey him..” I got down from the stage. All cried aloud. .. all wailed loudly….!!we all went to the burial ground there was heavy rain fall,  my children were with me. Somebody helped me to walk in the grave yard. That was the first time I ever walked in Eluru burial ground.

Somebody sang the much loved song of my husband,
My Bible, My Bible and me .. we walk ..”

Came home, I entered into the house, closed the doors of the room where I prostrated on the floor.  I lied down on the floor, and started to cry bitterly .. cried aloud… “Oh God Oh Lord …,.”   I asked God, ” Why Lord  why Lord why you have taken him at only 52 years???? He was working for you , sincerely building the kingdom , why Lord  why you took him at this age??”

No answer, but I did not expect an answer, I did not know why I asked thus,  I laid down on my face for long time, the tears had no barrier,  nothing can stop me, none to stop me, …
After one or two hours I lifted my head and opposite to my face I saw The Picture of Cross Lamination photo on the wall.

Underneath the Cross these words are written.
How much do you love me?”
                         I asked God, He answered me
                  Stretching out His arms wide
                         ” This much”, and He died.

                       I never imagined that God would answer me there in that room, I never had a least idea that His answer would come to me all in a sudden, in a strange manner. 
                      I never expected Him to answer my query that why he died at the age of 52 years.
                This was the first time the Cross was comforting me in this spectacular way. 
         My eyes read those …words  … and stick to the word….. ‘HE DIED”—–He Died—-He Died

I hear His sweet voice then and there… asking me

         When I died?? At what age I died?

331/2 years Lord… I was whispering in my throat.

  Again I heard His words… 
” Its immaterial when he died, I am going to bless his work’

              I was in a dazing condition.. I did not have a word to speak, I was thanking God .. in heart. Like I was in dream, a reverie got up and opened the doors and sat in a wooden chair.. I was looking but not looking. When people come and talk, I was poise and sober, answered them nodding my head, but I was a big BLANK … 

          How He blessed his work I did not realize but now I knew how much that work we toiled was blessed. None of them were scattered, 30, 60 100 folds the souls are faithful till now. 
               I see them growing in the Lord, useful in His kingdom,  their children and children I am seeing now, I see some of them in different churches in other countries too, where they are used by God in His own way.    They are blessed and being blessed to others. Some of them were our Sunday school children some were youth group students… some were single some families, none of them went astray… My heart rejoice when they come and tell me the wondrous works of God in their lives.

I will continue, to describe How God lead  me to take up other steps, a very revolutionary steps in order to build His kingdom in different manner, away from the oppression which had its leaps and bounds after the demise of my husband, both in my personal life, family life and in the church  I was toiling to build .———- in part 5.

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Hello All! I am a retired Lecturer, Former Air Hostesses, and a writer. I love to share MY STORIES, WITH MY GOD.

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