FRIDAY, MARCH 24, 2017
Once upon a time my blog was full of lonely lamentations, the minute i take the key board into my lap , the tears flow unceasingly, and the white screen of the laptop, in those days my desk top, was my friend and my solace to pour my grief my sighs, my frustrations. I did not know what to write except my anxiety, my humiliation, my imposed lonely hours of the night.
Those days had no meaning, no purpose which I cherished all through my life, in given moment of time the life was snatched away , and my life never is like it was. My Status changed to Wife to Widow, people used to look up to me, but they started to taunt me indirectly.
“How I long for the years gone by, for the days when God watched over me. When His lamp shone upon my head,and by his light I walked through darkness!!! Oh , for the days when I was in my prime, when God’s intimate friendship blessed my house.
I used to sing the song,’ PRIYA YESU RAJU NE CHUCHINA CHAALU,…WHEN I THINK OF MY BHAGYA GRUHAMU..’ ( it is enough for me to see my King, I am thankful to Him for He had given me BLESSED HOME) But after I became a widow I could not sing the song, because I lost the companion of my life, I used to explain the Proverbs 31 chapter, by live example to the little congregation of women vehemently, but after his demise I am no more a wife, to challenge others with the duties of a GOOD WIFE. Life at once changed. Everything changed,
When the Almighty was still with me and my children were around me, ( Where are my children, they left me, leaving me in my empty nest. I used face my future in my dreams, that one day my children will grow and go out of the nest and then we both would remain, and when the Call come from Heavenly Abode one of us will leave, I used to imagine thus with this little rhyme:
“There were two birds sat on a stone,
One flew away and then there was none,
And so the poor stone
Was left all alone.
But never I thought, that one bird would leave first and then the other little birds, and only one bird (me) would be left all alone on that little rock….. and one day this little bird also would leave and then only that little rock would be left alone.
I wonder that the rhyme should be reframed as above. where are my children?
When they dream high, when they plan for better future, I was not a coward to stop them to stay with me for my comfort, or I was not a selfish mother to cut their freedom of life tugging them to the apron of my saree, I was not so stupid to tell them that I was alone and their dad is not there, thereby they should stop all their dreams of life and stay with me in this village like town, so I let them go, I planned with them, dreamed with them, toiled with them, and did what all that I could just as if their dad was with us, more than that he was for them. So my children learned to fly alone, decide the ways of life alone, learn and grow alone. Mistakes occurs, so they learnt lessons of life by their own experience, so what a foolish thought I entertain.. asking myself, where are my children.Now I am proud of them because they are responsible, dutiful, self sufficient, independent, even I leave this rock they do not miss anything, because I gave them a chance and choice of life to determine and go ahead.
But sometimes the longing of mothers’ womb pangs and tucks me now and then. But is natural….its the way of the creation.
Those were the when my path was drenched with cream and the rock poured out for me streams of olive oil. That was exactly the same in those days, the life was like three flowers but six fruits harvest, laughter , songs, tasty food on the table, guests, visitors every minute… but now….. most of the time 95% of the time I live in SILENCE. unless one stray friend make a visit, and say hello to me, unless the maid who helps me come morning and evening, unless a vendor call me to give me bananas or leafy vegetables, no other in the home….
“When I went to the gate of the city and took my seat in the public square, the young men saw me and stepped aside and the old men rose to their feet, the chief men refrained from speaking and covered their mouths with their hands, the voices of the nobles were hushed , and their tongues stuck to the roof of their mouths, whoever heard me spoke well of me, and those who saw me commended me, because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him.”
Exactly it was so, when I went into the premises of the church compound, the young girls and women stepped aside and the elder women rose to their feet, and the elders refrained from speaking and covered their mouths with their hands, saying,
aunty came aunty is here’ they used to speak well of me, because ,yes, I used to love the poor, and looked after their needs, every day I used to cook extra to feed the fatherless, or a pilgrim on his way.
” The man who was dying blessed me , I made the widows heart sing ;I put on righteousness as my clothing,justice was my robe and my turban,I was eyes to the bling and feet to the lame. I was father to the needy, I took up the case of the stranger. I broke the fangs of the wicked and snatched the victims from their teeth, ——Yes I was a mother to them, a sister to them prayer warrior,pastors wife to listen to their woes, sorrows and lead them to the Lord.
” I though I will die in my own house. my days as numerous as the grains of the sand,my roots will reach the water and the dew will lie all night on my branches. .My glory will remain fresh in me, the bow ever new in my hand.'”—-But what happened…..everything happened opposite to my dream, crushing me to the core of my life, all was taken away, all my expectations were nullified,thrashed and dismissed in one second.
Men listened to me expectantly, waiting in silence for my counsel. After I had spoken, they spoke no more, my words fell gently on their ears. They waited for me as for showers and drank in my words as the spring rain. When I smile at them they scarcely believed it, the light of my face was precious to them. I chose the way for them and sat as their chief, I dwelt as a king among his troops, I walk like one who comforts mourners.———–YES I was a like a queen among his troops, well respected loved and wanted. Once upon a time , till 2000 AD.
But now they mock at me,men younger than I whose father I would have disdained to put with my sheep dogs .—–Yes that servant girl whose mother was my servant and her mothers’ mother was my servant despise me, the woman who used to beg my favour once, and whose mother was sitting at my footstool, who used to live in hut who used to come to my home for a morsel of food mocked at me, –A base and nameless brood, they were driven out of the land, and now their sons mock me in song, I have become a byword among them. They detest me keep their distance ; they do not hesitate to spit in my face. —–She brought the garbage and poured in front of my gate where I walk into the church, when I asked the other one shouted at me, The one who doesn’t have clothes to wear wore my clothes mocked at me now.The one I brought from muddy surroundings now looks at me and wag her tongue at me,
Now that God has unstrung my bow and afflicted me, they throw of restraint in my presence. On m right the tribe attacks , they lay snares for my feet, they build siege ramps against me. They break up my road; they succeed in destroying me–without anyone’s helping them.——Yes they despised the road they walked through my house to the House of God, they built a wall against the road I walk into the church we built, Yes they succeed in destroying me speaking lies, snares to my feet ramps against me. (continuation, next)
Now you see a happy , well settled, relaxed Leelavathi, but from 2000 to 2014 This Leela was different, a shadow of death hovering on me, I was walking in the valley of tears, God did miracles and proved once again that He is My FATHER GOD. faithful loving, caring and protecting. This part 1. and I will finish it in next Part 2. plz comment
@1. Hope is the thing with Feathers /that perches in the soul” — Emily Dickson.
Hope is a gift that simply comes .No matter how dark or cold the storm, hope gently finds us, warming us and singing a wordless song, but never expecting anything in return”
My grief has made me a more compassionate woman, –Being broken is a reality of living in a fallen world where suffering persists. As god walks with me through the deeply painful times of life, He alone provided the comfort and perspective I needed . I preferred to celebrate then “Weak” moments because they allowed the light of Jesus to shine through.
“A thick , ornate lampshade draws attention to itself, but a thin, transparent shade acts as an invisible lens for the light”These trails ‘thinned ‘me out–so that Jesus become more closer and comforter of mine and thereby to be more compassionate toward others.
I too boast ‘about Christ power working through my weakness, I can experience His joy even in the ‘insults, hardships, troubles, rumours, ‘–“For when I am weak, I am strong” I learned to be ‘meek’ some mock at me, but a quote from Our Daily Bread, strengthened me, “”If you think that meekness is weakness, Try to be meek for a week”