Power of youthful blood is known only when you get cold blood in old age. The hair gives away its lustrous look, and becomes rough, and gray, the eyes cheat you making you think that you saw some one else while you are looking at some body, the teeth get loosen and unless you get new set , the loosen ones effect your health through your saliva and blood vessels, the knees get fragile, and toes become swifty, and you wonder why you are falling down without your knowledge. All those things you did in the past , like getting down from the train while still it going on, or getting into it while pushing all others just to get a comfortable seat in unreserved seat,or enjoying the smell of the flowers, taste of spicy food, seeing new places climbing steep steps to get a better view, becomes a unknown life happened to you as if it in a dream.
What happened to that sweet smile, sharp eyes, hearty laughter, musical voice, teasing tone, and springy feet? Those were the days when , wanted to pursue so many useful things, like social service and writing novels, learning musical instruments, driving long long distances, but there was no time then,so postponed everything for the retirement days; and now after the retirement just doing the household things also give lot of strain on the body, and makes me to take longer time to finish any given errand.
They are wise to make 58 years as the retirement age, so that they need not have old people in their work places.
Only thing is my brain is still active, still able to think and able to remember, the long term memory is still intact, ofcourse the short term memory is showing its aged symptoms now and then and making me miserable sometimes. So what I am thinking is why should not I use this memory and put down all that it gives me to record.
May be one of my grand grand children would find my writings worth while and make it published novel and my surname MALAKA would become sweeter name in my long distance family circle??? oh oh, these and other unfullfilled desires of my dad’s longing for male child and thus carrying the surname becoming my obsession of life now a days. I am the only first one who sudied post graduation, and being a lady who can drive the car , and who visited the foriegn country, only lady who put lipstick and nail polish.. etc..hahaha. in our MALAKA circle. …umm , thoughts running like a flow of waterfall, flying like a bird without wings.
And when I see other people who achieved so much but gained nothing in their lives, I am again depressed. some days in my life are really colourful, bright, red, yellow, orange and green… but some days are just gloomy , dark, black and brown.. and depressive. Do every body feel like me?? or only me feel like this and make my life miserable for myself and for others around .
Actually I had an idea to go to ooty and settle there, just to have beautfiul surroundings, and cool breeze, snow fall, and unknown people and utter privacy , lonely lonely undistrurbed life. Even I thought of learning the language of the tribals there and do some God’s ministry there. Haha ha.. I even bargained a cottage on top of a hillock so that I could go and live there, in every summer, till I get retired. haha , now all that became another dream , Now after my retirement I found that my hot blood is no more flowing in my viens, and my cold blood is giving me lot of cramps in the legs and at the back of chest. And God has rightly kept me in a tropical place where I can sustain without much grief.
Even I thought I can keep my mother aged 78 with me and bring my aged aunties of 70 years, and 65 years and give them real wonderful care and thereby I can get some thrill in life. haha… another shock, my mom as of any aged person longed to go back to her own single room where she was much accustomed since 1985… the old surroundings, the old familiar people, and thereby my stupid imagination of keeping and caring her was nullified to the very core of its seedling.
Now after much thinking, and meditating, brooding, discussing with myself, I realized that the my bed room is the most deceiving/cheating and panic room to end all my desires of becoming a writer. So I found another small room suddenly extending into most comfortable spacious room after moving the furniture hither and thither, and became the most beautiful room with utter silence and calm and soothing atmosphere.
I have nice cosy small single bed with a comfortable table and book stand with two tubelights, and one cieling fan and one table fan and an easy chair to sit comfortably to type on my lap top.
HEY EUREKHA… I found my comfort right in my small house. and in my small room. without any distractions of TV or sleeping bed.
Let me see how many more days I can live in this UTOPIA …. my mind is cheater. I cannot believe it. Let me trust in God who can make me the beloved child of His. Only thing is I put my supplications with all my views, imaginations, and desires at His feet. I am sure He would see after that, and give me only the best which would make me feel good.
God be with me and bless me. Lord please bless me Lord. STrengthen my right hand. extend my territory. and Help me out of all sad and evil things.
Because even today I wept bitterly after seeing the old photoes of my dear dear husband, whenever he comes in my dream I still see him ailing with some pain or suffering from sickness. The stress , the agony , the fear, I suffered during his illness, do not leave me still, that shock of his abrupt departure , still haunt me , and wounds me deeply, still, and without my effort my eyes shed tears, and my heart wrenches itself painfully. I know if he is alive he would be 64 years by now, and must be very weak, and fragile.. but that would not deter me from weeping for my loss. I want him desperately, I need him to talk, I need him to share my foolish deeds, I need him to discuss things .. most of all I need him to pray together. That loss makes me miserable still, and makes me to cry aloud at times. I know its foolishness, but you know , my brain is still active, though my body is weak, I think , i dream, I desire, I imagine, I have intellectual imagination, and I want him to be with me to go out, to shop out, to appreciated my cooking, my decoration of the house, my kitchen garden, my good saries, I want him to smile at me, and to tell me some jokes to make me laugh. Nobody can full fill this dearth of loss in life.
Even at this age, even after 12 years of his demise still my brain works so actively/? my body is not as active as my brain, but I still need a comforting shoulder to cry sometimes. I need a comfortable hand to tap on my head, when I told him that I did a mistake..!!
Last night he came in my dream, so sick so weak… but still I need him. Why? that 22 years of married life can not be forgotten?? I lived with my dad for 26 years, but his death do not cut my heart like this. His death I could accept, I remember his love and his encouragement, but it would not hurt me as my husband’s death do to me. ………..
I wonder how many more days, months, years I have to live like this in this room alone, alone and alone. Would I die just as alone as I am now? or would I die among other old women of my age, in an old age home? or would I die in a hospital after much physical suffering? Or would I die among the people who would not love me for I am old and useless, and nagging, and sick?? would I die among the loving people around me??
I am scared of my future. Because the future is certainly not a youthful future, its not a healthy future, its not an active future. No dreams for the future. No goal for it. just spending every day somehow and waiting for the next day. When it is sunset I feel ok let me go to bed and try for some sleep. and when it is sunrise , ok let me do my daily course and keep myself busy with something, so that I can keep myself healthy. At the same time, feeling some cramp somewhere, some pain some where, and wondering why this, is this pain is a passing pain/ or some symptom of some horrible disease that I may encounter shorty..or in long run?? after that pain subsided, again this active brain of mine plans , imagines a number of schemes of work hoping I will be useful to my self and to others, especially to my children and grand children..
wow this cold blood would not allow me to do any thing that I want to do.. as the days go by I will find myself imprisoned into my own body. my spirit would tie up to my own wrinkled body and I see that I am here on this earth not able to do anything. Oh God please help me.