aprint

STORY OF MY MARRIAGE

                      

 

 

THE STORY OF MY MARRIAGE

Story of my marriage

                    Why I obeyed my husband 200% without a question or a doubt? What made me so? Was it because of my obedience to my Lord? To His Word? To the elders? Or the obedience I learnt to obey the head of the family in my parental home?

                     Why I merged my personality into his from the minute I married him? Why I forgot my individuality and my own disposition and gave interest in only what he was interested? Was it his righteousness, and his faith in the Lord? His love?  His good example in our life?

These may be some of the reasons that made me to be an obedient wife for 20 years without opening my mouth to express my own likes and dislikes? What made me to bend my head for his authority? Did I see any other so called elders or counsellors to respect their husbands so very much to imitate them? Which was nil I must say, except Mrs. Ruth Jacob and my mother?

Whatever be the reason here I give my own account of my obedience and its reason for not exhibiting my own individuality in my married life but yielded to his authority just as the Bible teaches, and just Sarah gave respect to her husband Abraham calling him ‘Master”

(There is an order in the family of God. Equality of the couple does mean respect for one another not that they could argue over the issues with one another. People still ask me, “Why you obeyed your husband so much? Should we obey him like that? What if he is dull headed one? What if he could not take up one good decision in life? –                  I tell them, “Family cannot be built in one day. Preparation for marriage starts right before the marriage. Your commitment, your respect for him right before your marriage would be the foundation of married life. Your decision of “treating him as a king to make him a king or treat him as a pauper to make him a pauper’’ makes a family to run smoothly or ruin it. So is this rule applies to husband. Somebody jokingly said, “Treat your wife as new costly suit all through your life.”  To lead a life of smoothly running giant wheel, both should work hard for life would be in ups and downs throughout.

Woman is the crucial member in the family. A nucleus of family circle. Before she begot children, a man is at her disposal to bring him up.  What about the women already married and led some years with a man who would never show himself worthy of leading the home? –Woman thou are not fragile, you have the weapon of prayer in the corner of your house, if you really longing to build up a home based upon the Lord’s pattern, as of Abraham and Sarah,  the time is never out. You still can learn at His feet how to deal with such husbands. There is a place to inject wisdom in his dull head, not in public at least.

 

 

PREPARING  for MARRIAGE

                  My little red journal would give the account date by date, since I heard that I was going to marry a person whom I never saw before, nor heard about his life before.

It was me and my Lord, and I brought all my questions, my anxiety as a new bride to be, my doubts of living with a new person to His feet. I waited upon for His answers for 25 days fasting and praying day and night, to be assured by God that I was going to marry a right person in His Will as He promised me that he was really God Fearing Man. Nothing more or nothing less I needed in my married life, a person who can love God more than me, who can obey God and be a leader in family affairs. I prayed and I was given promise from the Lord, just exactly as I prayed.

                I heard some pathetic stories of some girls who prayed amiss.  One girl was not getting married. The years were passing by, she asked God ‘Lord I want to get marry this summer, even if he is having some vices like drinking wine, I do not mind, as long as he is a doctor. Because I am a doctor, he should be a doctor.”—She was married that summer, every body was happy to see the couple because they both were doctors, and they can earn money by four hands now.  The girl was much more happy because God heard prayer so quickly.  During the honeymoon, the girl found that her husband had habit of drinking wine. When she found this truth, she remembered her prayer and tried to adjust to her husband habit. In the beginning he told her , his habit was restricted to only ‘Social Drinking’ nothing more.  But as the days run she found he is addicted to this evil habit and his profession was actually at bay.  One night he came home lately and shouted at her and ordered her to bring ‘curd with rice’ She was terrified seeing him shouting at her in the middle of the night like that. Anyway she brought Curd Rice in a bowl, seeing that the husband was shouting much more,  “ Hey you, now, separate curd to curd and rice to rice, or else I will kill you.” She was very much afraid and could not live with him anymore which led to drastic consequences.

Yet in another case, the girl also prayed for her marriage This  time she was frustrated too much because her age crossed to marriageable age.  So she prayed like this,” Lord, I am vexed with this spinster’s life and I want to marry quickly, even if he is deranged or demented.”Even in this case God said, YES to her.  After the marriage the husband told her, “Lets go to attend a marriage in Gudivada.which was on west side of Eluru.  She was very happy and dressed up well to attend the wedding. Both went to Bus station of Eluru to go by bus.  One bus to go Gudivada arrived. But the husband was not willing to go by that bus. He said, “Let’s go by another bus, and both climbed into it. The new wife climbed into another bus , obeying him to the letter. But on the way as the Bus was going towards East of Eluru she got a doubt, so she asked him ‘Where are we going?’ He answered:  “Rajahmundry”. She was bewildered and asked him ‘Why so?’ He did not answer, after they arrived they got down and he told her “ Now we will catch a bus that goes to Eluru. “ She could not grasp the thing.  After some days she understood, that her prayer for a husband,  and that she would not mind even he is deranged or demented  if He gives her a husband. ’Now she realized that her  prayer was literally fulfilled. He was crazy and could not think anything straight. You can imagine the end of that marriage.

   Whatever, praying for marriage is essential. Knowing the Will of God is inevitable otherwise we find ourselves in a soup from which we cannot get out.

                  It was the month of May, 1979, My Dad and me were in the Summer Retreat. We were waiting to go to these Retreats every year in the month of May to sing “I love the thrill I get, when I met- God’s wonderful people“= to meet God, and God’s loving people, was much craved by us, and we used to refresh our souls with minimum food and bare living facilities for ten days, in the presence of God , waiting upon Him, learning of Him, listening to the challenging testimonies of missionaries, singing songs to our heart’s content.

             I would never waste one minute of those days. Those days were only to seek the Lord and refresh in the soul, by unburdening, and interceding for the unsaved kith and kin and claiming the promises of God. It’s solely to be with the Lord.

          That day I was sitting in the big pendal where we gather to listen to the Word of God. It was the Tuck shop time. A break in between the sessions, to relax and to meet the cravings of the thirst or other needs sometimes to meet dear old friends from different areas within the country or outside the country. But that day I did not go to Tuck shop to buy tea. Instead I felt urgent need to pray. I was very far from the dias where Br, Joe was talking to some people who stood there.

After awhile, I just sat there in a pensive mood; waiting for the next Bible session.
Suddenly I heard the voice of Br. Joe, calling me by my name. ‘Sister. Leela’–I got up quickly and approached him who was standing on the dais as usual his hands resting on his waist, tall and strong in crisp white shirt.

           He is much older to me 20+ for whom I had much regard and honour. He was a man of God. I met him first when I was 20 years old, and he 42 years old, jubilant, vibrant, zealous for God, winning the souls. My first meeting was strange, everyday for 10 days I used to go to the dais and ask him, to pray for me for a blessing. I met his sister, his mother at my confession table. Three were working together; it was in the year 1974 .It was strange meet though with great unity in between them.

            When he called me thus in the May Retreat, 1979 still his concern for me did not fade a bit. He treated me as his own daughter, I cant escape grom LEF. It’s my life for so many years from 1974 to 2004 and after for some more years. My life is intertwined with it, with its staff, with its evangelists, with its teachings.

              I reached him briskly and wished him. He was  looking down at me who stood at the end of the dais, and said, ‘ “Sister, There is a Good Looking and God Fearing, drafts man working in Railways, you pray for your marriage with this chap”—I did not know what to say, but he turned the other way around before I opened my mouth to say something.

I was shocked, I was bewildered and I had no words to speak.
Only thing I could do was going into the presence of God and spread the thoughts at His beautiful feet. He is a friend who would listen to us anything and everything and at any time. He would not keep quiet without giving an answer to us. “What a friend we have in Jesus -all our sins and grief to bear-what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer”

                Often the human soul want to take chances, like using own intelligence, strength and support of others to solve things, to plan and to grab. Never it could take a minute first and foremost to go to Him.. Only if we could do that we will get His route map to go further in this life.

PRAYING for MARRIAGE

            The first thing I did was just knelt at His feet and talk to Him about this most important decision in my life. Anything could be taken as U turn back but not in case of the marriage.  Once I came back from the job which was not suited for me, Air Hostess job.  But about marriage…? We cannot take chances/

                 So I prayed…I would like to put the lines from my Red little journal where I posted all my prayers, date wise, and hour wise. How my Friend patiently bore with me with my doubt, with my questions without faith and how lovingly he answered me and led me sweetly and steadily into His will was really an amazing story.

           What all that was I prayed in His presence was noted down in it’s gist in my journal. Soon after I came to my place from Br. Joe that day I prayed and wrote like this:

Lord, your servant said that, ‘He is good looking and God fearing, is it true? I heard many people pretend that they are very godly and God fearing in front of thine servants, how to know whether that person is really God fearing.. ok tell me Lord do you also confirm this to me that this particular person is God fearing as your servant uttered? If so please tell me.”

                   No sooner I prayed thus,  I noted down my prayer in my journal.  Then the next session started  and
I was quickly writing the message given by Br.Joe in a note book, sitting on the mat, word by word and sentence by sentence… my pen slipped off , from my fingers for no reason,  while searching for it, I heard the Man of God was loudly proclaiming  at the pitch of his voice,

 “Yes the Lord confirmeth the word of His servant”—-

           It jerked my whole being, I picked the pen and sit straight to look up into the face of the man of God, can’t remember what happened later, but I knew one thing that the Lord answered my prayer instantly , and I knew that this man is right one for me. Because God CONFIRMED that what His servant said about this man, is affirmed and confirmed, without a doubt. What else I need?
But I wanted to see this verse in the BIBLE… I should LOOK into the BOOK .A strong desire gripped my soul, I knew this verse is from the Holy Scriptures, because this sentence contained King James version word, i.e., CONFIRM ETH , this ‘eth’ is the suffix to the words in King James version Bible only. Like the word “eat-eth, abid-eth, bidd-eth, accus-eth—etc are Archaic words> I wanted to see this verse in the Bible , this desire was too much and I tried all the means and ways to find it. In those days we did not have Internet. I asked my spiritual counsellors, like Shanthakka, and others, but they could not help me.

25/5/1979  I noted down the promise I heard that The Lord confirmeth the word of His servant.
later for many days, I searched for that particular promise in the Bible while fasting and praying… but in vain.—–read the prayers recorded and answers I got except that particular promise…

                 Yes, those were the good old days, we did not have updated concordances with us, we did not have google to search for that particular verse. I heard “The Lord confirmeth of His servant.” So frantically I enquired two senior counsellors but they could not help me.

       Before closing the retreat, my father also was called by Br. Joe and was informed about this match. It seems Mr. Yesuratnam and my father were introduced to one another, but I did not see him. Nor I was interested to see him. Br. Joe told my dad, that the marriage would take place in the next month, that is month of June,’79. He told my dad very clearly, that he would write a letter to him shortly giving the details of the wedding. He asked him to wait for the letter.
Recently I talked to a girl who told me that her marriage date was on 6th June… with this information, I understood that certain times the weddings took place even in prayer month. So my doubt about that my father heard the name of the month correctly or not was erased.
I think my fiancé’ saw me while I was walking with dad in the retreat.

My prayer went on like this:

25/5/1979  –7pm
“Lord I do not know who he is..What he is.. I heard that he is a God fearing man..And I believe the words of your servant..for you confirmeth them. I am not seeking for prestige, degrees, beauty or status or good background-Lord only one thing I beg you, Lord “let me not be ashamed and let not my enemies triumph over me”– I determined to be faithful to him and not to be a stumbling block to him. I determined to love him by all means, in every moment for your sake, Lord be with me.—Lord only thing I ask you in him is, ” I want that he could be a leader, a strong support in all family matters, and be a true servant of thine, who loves you and you alone…more… than me, Lord !
Lord you know this has been the desire of my heart since I have known you… you have been faithful to me always.. Lord, my God I trust you, that you will give more than I wanted–“Your Best for me”–those things that I cannot estimate now. Lord confirm my trust in You–in Jesus name Amen & Amen

“The Lord confirmeth the words of His servant” –I could not find these words in my Bible. But my heart rested there.

“The LORD confirmeth the Word of His Servant”

 ..Meanwhile I got some other promise:

“Believe in the Lord your God, so shall ye be established, believe his prophets so shall ye prosper.”–2 chronicles 20:20

My prayer continued thus , for awhile, for a few more days.

Then I summarised my prayed in my journal like this on:

30/5/1979 9pm

            “Lord somehow great fear takes hold of me. I do wonder of my future –will this marriage takes place? Is he going to turn over me? Am I going to be ashamed? Everybody come to know about this match, in the fellowship. The friends with whom I was travelling were inquiring me about his details. I told them I did not know anything about him.

       Now suppose this marriage would not take place in these holidays, people will question me. I do not know the certainty of this marriage. He too had to give his consent to the Man of God about this marriage, and suppose he would not, then? I was afraid because I never talked to him or never know anything about his family.

—Lord all these are negative thoughts… thoughts without faith, Lord please help me.. I am shivering like a dove in the wilderness… I need your shelter Lord.. Give me peace.. let me hear good tidings of good news… soon. let this be over soon… Lord shield me and hide me. Father.,…!!

….thou shall know that I am the Lord; for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me” Isaiah 49:23 was His straight answer to my long list of fears lurking in my heart.

11 days over so far, after I started to pray about this alliance:

4/6/1979 8pm Monday
       “Lord I want a promise from you to start my new life with ‘him’. Not that I do not believe the promises that you have already given to me… In fact every promise in Thine Holy Book seems to be only for me. But I ask you for a special promise. This is for the steadiness of my heart. So that I would not be easily dwindled by the evil one, later—Lord make me to stand on firm ground… help me to build my house on the Rock of Promise… I thank you for you are not ‘yea’ and ‘nay’, but in Him was ‘yea’. For all the promises of God in him are ‘yea’, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us
2Cor 1:19,20

I thank you Lord for “Our hope is steadfast, and you are God for all comfort. Who comforteth us in all our tribulation”     2 Cor 1:7,3,4

13 Days of waiting in the Lord : I got assurance from the Lord that this marriage is in His Will concerning me. Joy filled my heart. I know He will do it. And He will supply all my needs abundantly.

6/6/1979 Wednesday
…”this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you”

“Faithful is he that (1 Thes 5:18,24) calleth you, who also will do it.” .
“God shall supply your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus” Phil 4:19

                    Now as a family all of us were waiting for the promised letter from Br. Joe informing the date of marriage. We are waiting for the Post man . He used come thrice a day in those days. We waited for 11”o clock post, no letter arrived. So again  I went into the presence of my LORD to hear His voice. I got this promise from Him to console me.

                   I came to know that one of the great godly lady’s marriage which was arranged by Br. Joe was cancelled after the wedding cards were printed and the date was fixed. The groom who came into the wedding hall rejected the bride cancelling the marriage, because he did not like the outward appearance of the lady, then a great evangelist, by name Br. Jubilee Raj came forward to marry Sis Shanthi. They did great service to the Lord in Hyderabad.  When I came to know this, I was trembled to think of this marriage. These fears are common to many young girls. But I prayed about these fears and sought the assurance from my Heavenly Father.

             But as a family, all of us were waiting for the promised letter from Br Joe about this wedding and his instructions to get ready.

               Thank God those were not the days like these days, we did not have mobiles, phones, or emails, to call others and enquire the things, we cannot go around and ask everyone to know the reason for not receiving any letter from him.

         Fear was there in my mind … What is happening any where? What will happen? Why this silence? Why there is no letter from brother still, he said clearly that the wedding would take place in this month, but no letter from him means… what? Am I going to put to shame? all ready many people come to know that my marriage would be in this month, in the retreat itself, some of the old friends all ready asked me about it… now where shall I put my face if it does not take place.. Are these  the tricks of the evil one….!?

11’o clock am:
“Thus saith, the Lord, even the CAPTIVES of the mighty shall be taken away, and the Prey of the terrible shall be delivered; for I will contend with him that contended with thee, and I will save thy children, and I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh.. And all flesh know that I the Lord am thy Saviour and thy Redeemer, the mighty one of Jacob… and thou shall know that I am the Lord, for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me. (Isa 49:25, 26,23)

                 I had all these promises while I fast and pray in this month of prayer. About my marriage, but my heart was seeking for that first promise, “the Lord confirmeth the word of His servant “…But no I could not find it….

                We were waiting for the postman 10 o’clock post-
2 0′ clock post and 4 o’clock post… every day…but in vain.

         In those days the Postman used to bring letters three times a day. No letter, without the letter we could not prepare anything, wedding cards, dresses etc etc. This would be the first Christian wedding in our families… and I never saw any Christian wedding before too. So my anxiety knew no bounds…. all of us were waiting and waiting… nobody is talking to anybody, all of us are waiting for the postman three times a day. Soon after dad came from the Office he used to enquire, ‘ Any letter from Brother Joe?’ ‘No’ was the answer ringing in the air. The couple who were leading the centre, Mr. and Mrs Jacob also were waiting and praying for me. They too were asking us every week Wednesday and Saturday and Sunday answer is …no no no…

Again after 17 days of my prayer I wanted to ask the Lord, about this silence. Why we were put in darkness. Is this marriage is going to be performed or not. Lord knew my future, so He must answer me.

8/6/1979 Friday
‘’Lord you want to teach me something?

Why this silence? —Lord help me to learn everything you want me to learn… Lord only thing I beg you let me not betray you anymore….even at the level of my thoughts, Help me to be faithful to you till my last breath, Often I remember my follies , my unfaithfulness and I am discouraged… Lord is this from you?? Lord is this from you???? Is this silence from You? If this obstacle is from satan I bind all the powers of darkness in Thy precious name Jesus Christ. Restore my faith in Thee Lord. Is this Silence from You Lord?? Is this silence from you Lord????  OR FROM DEVIL??? I questioned Him directly.

His answer was straight and to the point.

“–It is I, be not afraid”(John 6:20)

The Lord was walking on the Sea in the storm and coming to meet His disciples. But they thought the one who was coming to them was DEVIL, they were terrified. But the LORD consoled them saying, “ It is I, be not afraid” John 6:20

What an assurance, What a great God we have. I got straight answer to my prayer , not only that He gave me another promises that day.

—God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to hear it (1Cor 10:13)

   I claimed the following Word of God and started to pray as it’s written:

—–nevertheless I am not ashamed for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day (2Tim 1:12)

—God was preparing me well.. for this marriage, He tested my faith, my patience, my longing for Him my desire to build His kingdom through this marriage; He wanted to prepare me for that purpose.
Remember Marriage should not be for selfish purpose, it should be for the glory of God.The goal and motive behind married life should be for His glory and for His kingdom… When God teaches let us be learners, and wait upon Him.

                Again I was collapsed, I was like tender leaf in the storm, do not know when I would be torn into pieces. Days going by, why there is no news from Br. Joe?

I was crying, and tears flowing on His feet. I see how weak is my faith, I find myself very unfaithful for not believing Him. But still I was praying with faith sometimes without faith. Its strange account of my spiritual life. Changing from time to time. I asked Him,

“Are you going to bless me or curse me? Lord only thing I beseech you , help me to be faithful to you till the end of my life, I am ready to face the consequences of my life , if you want to curse me?

No letter in those days, nothing of any news from anywhere. All of us were low in spirits. No sound of radio, no words between us except a few daily words.At that juncture I got these promises from God.

 9/6/1979 SATURDAY –3pm

. …I the Lord will hasten it in His time. ” Isa 60:22

He promised me that He Himself hasten the things to happen, but in His time. That I need not worry.

“Though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry… the just will live by faith ”
Heb 2:3,4

Oh what a great promise, who will console us like this except the Lord. ‘Donot worry it look like it is tarrying, but no worries, wait  my dear. Because it will happen it will surely cone no need to worry about this silence Remember those are justful, and righteous live by faith.. do you have faith?

2pm Oh.. Lord let everything be done according to Thine will. I am in Your hands. Its upto you to bless me face anything, I am ready to face.. Thy will be done. I just wait and see Thine presence in Jesus Name… amen

I got up early in the morning, had my morning devotions, waited upon the Lord, asking Him why this prolonged time? why we did not receive any letter from HQ? How much time should we be waiting?
I waited for His answer, but in vain.

I think I was testing God, by not believing Him. Then I prayed like this. Ultimately I yielded to Him. No more kicking like Jeshurun..”But Jeshurun grew fat and kicked..” Deut 32:16   No Lord I wont be like that. I yielded to you.

 “Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in thine sight” Luke 10:21

 Quietly I was reading my favourite authoress book , she was my mentor, my guide, my counsellor, that summer I bought her another book, “Green leaf in drought time”–Her name is Isobel Kuhn.. If her books were not with me, I would have been perished long ago. Her books gave me all spiritual food I needed. I prayed , “ Lord make me like that Green Leaf in drought time…”

The promise in Jer 17:7,8 once again uphold me.

“Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is, but her leaf shall be green, and shall not be careful in the year of drought.”

       Hopefully waiting and praying and reading in the presence of God, yet two more hours I spent alone in His presence… its 4pm waited for the postman, he came and went but no letter that we waited for.

               I prayed again, “Lord this is like the waiting of the church for the Lamb of God, not knowing which minute it has to receive Him. Lord please strengthen my faith more and more. I just trust in Thee that you will do the best for me in the right time. I am waiting in Thee Lord to see the wonderful way of Thine answering in this regard. I love you Jesus my Lord –amen

Then I had these promises telling me not loose faith but strengthen my spirit in the Lord. I need to trust Him again and again. God showed me that I am trying to trust myself. which is not good.

“Trust in the Lord, with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Pro 3:5

Again the Lord reminded me that I am worring unnecessarily, He was telling me first seek His kingdom, after all these things that you need will come after you.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you”-Matt 6:33

Again I went into the presence of the Lord and I prayed :

4pm: “My heart is unburdened and I lean upon Thee Lord.. My soul is free

As I was leaning on Him and learning to trust Him , I started to pray like this:

“I know that thou can do everything and that no thought can be withholden from thee…I understand not; things too wonderful for me which I knew not..”.Job 42:2,3

11pm

 “Lord my soul is like a weaned child. I am steady truly my soul wit upon God He is my rock, my salvation he is my defence, I shall not be greatly moved” Ps 62:1,2

“Oh God my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise”Ps 108:1

11/6/1979 4:30 pm MONDAY

No letter in the morning post , afternoon or in the evening…post….my faith fails…

    “Lord I see how meagre is my faith.. How little faith in   I have.. Often I have been tossed and warm tears are gushing out and at heart I am shivering.
Lord renew my faith in Thee Lord. I am not able to trust in Thee I am not able to believe, which is greatest sin, Lord forgive me. Though my heart faileth… Lord help me to love Thee and be steady. Lord I cry unto Thee.. lift my head.. and help my unfaithful heart Lord renew my faith in Thee.. Lord help me to believe you.

11:15 night—

 My heart was rejoicing.. With some unknown reasons, in gratitude.. so my prayer goes like this:

    “Lord my heart is filled with gratitude for all the wonderful things you have planned for us Lord.. We are just unworthy to receive these bountiful blessings. I am rejoicing in Thine Salvation my Lord. I feel like I’ve just born again… Father.. I thank you for all these blessings..

 1) The good health                                                              2 Comfortable home & food                                                         3) Education                                                                                 4) Loving parents number at all , all these wonderful things you have done in our lives.                                                                         5) the best job                                                                         6)Thine Salvation & fellowship ..

    .Oh Lord can I  forget any good thing you have done to us–Lord fill our hearts with praise and worship & gratitude—in Jesus Name. Amen                       WATCH & PRAY

12/6/1979 6pm– Tuesday.

No letter even today..19 days over

             “Remember the Word unto Thine servant, upon which Thou hast caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction for thy Word quickened me… I remembered thine judgments of old, o Lord, and have comforted myself..” Ps 119:49

I remembered the Promise I got first again, — Is he God fearing man as your servant had told me???

You answered me , “Yes I the LORD confirmeth the word of my servant, what he uttered about this person is true, confirmed by me.”

8pm –Fasting Day
Lord I am at Thine feet… Lord help me you will not despise them that came to Thee.. you knew my affliction . My heart is melting .. Lord be merciful and help me .. I am alone.. … I am not worthy to come to Thee but .. I beg you Lord hide me and help me in thine own way. Lord give me strength to bear this…Lord I cry unto Thee. Consider my tears and give me thine hand, I sat in darkness.. give me a ray of hope. I have nothing to be encouraged. all around me a thick cloud of darkness encompass me .. and the Satan is roaring like lion to swallow me, Lord.. my hope, my heart, my faith, my parents, my near and dear fail me. I am left alone.. Lord.. I am alone.. Hear my cry O Lord… hide not they face from me.. I am in trouble.. Lord answer me speedily.. my heart is smitten and withered like grass.. because of my groaning my bones cling unto my skin .. i am like a pelican of the wilderness and owl of the desert ..as a sparrow on the house top I am alone.. and I mingled my drink with my tears… Ps 102

What is this, how feeble and fickle is my faith, its not steady, its not strong, my whole being is useless, my faith is not at all faith. I am not really having faith. Oh woe unto me, I I am undone,I am with unclean lips, I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips …Woe! Isaiah 6:5  “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this …..?” Romans 7:24

I was literally crying unto the Lord, my faith fails.. oh Lord! My heart fails.. Ps 73:26   Why am I so timid why I have no   faith? Mark 4: 40 ,

“For the time to favour her. yea, the set time, is come… he will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise Thine prayer.. from heaven did the Lord behold the earth.. to hear the groaning of the prisoner, to loose those that are appointed to death.Ps 102:13,19,20 /12pm Night

I was waiting and staring at His hand, just like that dog stares at the closed fist of its master, whole day I am look at Him. As the servant stares at the hand of his Master I was waiting.

                “As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a female slave look to the hand of her mistress, so my eyes look to the LORD our God, till He shows me His mercy”— Ps 123:2

The answer was given:

“Thou openest Thine hand, and satisfies the desire of every living thing.” Ps 145:16
“These wait all upon Thee, that that mayest give them thine meant in due reason.. That thou givest them they gather, Thou openest Thine hand, they are filled with good.” Ps 104:27.28

13/6/1979 —6am–Wednesday

        “Oh what beautiful version Lord..’ In the trail of obedience training let me be ‘still’ and ‘wait’ and look at thy hand.. Lord.. I will wait for those ‘crumbs of bread’ from Thine table ( Matt 15:27 ) Lord strength, my faith renew my hope and take hold of me completely mould me. Lord, please mould me and fill me abundantly.                                         in Jesus Name. –Amen

4pm
“Lord still there is perfect silence from thine side.. we are left completely in suspense but yet. Lord I trust in Thee that you will not bring shame to them that come to Thee Lord strength my faith.”

14/6/1979 5pm Friday // 12pm Thursday

……The thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass.. Gen 41:32

My heart is at rest. I was like a weaning child, calm and quiet, resting on His bosom.

15/6/1979 5:30 am Friday

                    He found him in a desert land, and in the waste howling wilderness, he led him about, he instructed him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.

                    He found me in a desert land , and in the wasteland, a howling wilderness; He encircled him, He instructed him, He kept him as the ‘ apple of His eye’==As  eagle stirs up its nest, /Hovers over its young,/ Spreading out its wings, taking them up,/ Carrying them on its wings, “so the LORD alone led him:  Deu 32:10-12

16.6.79 /6 pm  (Remember this date)

“ Lord somehow my heart is null and void. I am afraid to be awake. My faith fails me and I am not able to come to Thee; as a result I am like Jonah loving my bed and spending my time there. Lord forgive me for I wasted all this day.  I am forgotten as a dead man; I am like a broken vessel. Ps 31:12

Let me not be ashamed and let not my enemies’ triumphs over me. (Ps 25:2) Lord I called upon Thee. Remember Thine Word unto Thy servant upon which hast caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction for Thy word hath quickened me. Ps. 119:49

            Thus the writings in my little Red journal were going on. ..on on…! No end for those writings…. what happened to the promised letter from Br. Joe? Why there is no contact with us? They can contact us by one letter saying ‘yes or no’, can’t they?

      The Lord has given me so many promises about this marriage. But what about the promise I got for my husband? Until and unless that first promise, “The Lord confirmeth the word of His servant… ” is found out in Holy Scriptures , my heart would not find peace… Lord is giving many promises.. But why not that particular one was not found so far? I was searching for it every way I think it would be but in vain. Well I will wait upon Thee Lord till you speak again….!!

                     “Lord give me give me a praying spirit, desperate praying spirit, which cannot take rest till it find your answer. Lord I am asking for fish, and you would not give me a snake. I am asking for an egg, and you would not give me a scorpion which would bite me and kill me. Lord be merciful and revive my spirit; strengthen me O Father !!    -In Jesus name Amen.

                       Lord, why these unfaithful words are coming out of me? When as G.O is published in Government Gazette, we carefully study it and claim every point in it. We trust it. We wait to get an answer from it when we apply anything on its grounds. We know we will be sanctioned everything in it if we could show that we deserve it according the conditions given in the G.O.—Lord my Father, how much more should I trust in Thy word, and the promises you have given to me!! I must trust in Thee.

                   I see how weak I am. I am carnal minded. I am not able to understand my own deeds for I do not do what You wanted me to do, but I am doing that I really hate to do. Lord there is still this sin of unfaithfulness in me; and I come to know that there is no really faith dwells in me. I wish I had Faith, but in practice I see that I am not having Faith. Lord deliver me, Lord watch my unclean lips; I do not want to speak which you do not like me utter.”  –This I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ.

17.6.1979 Sunday 2 pm

               Lord, O my God!!  I cannot understand Thine thoughts and ways. Oh Lord! You are too high to be reached, You are too great to be understood. Lord You are a great Big Wonderful God all this Universe is Yours; and every living &unloving thing is Yours.  I am small little thing like a grain of sand.  My problems and worries are so self cantered and pettish in nature. Your servants have much more problems than I have. I am only a minuets thing on this earth. But still these trivial things worry me. These things are concerning me. I have none but Thee to help me.  I know You will provide everything in due season.  You are loving me better than I love You.  Lord when people misunderstand me, misrepresent me and despise me, Lord! Won’t you put song of  praise in my mouth? Won’t You teach me new steps of dance to my feet? Give me hind’s feet to leap and jump in joy, Father!

“The Lord God is my strength and He will make my feet like hind’s feet, and He will make me to walk upon mine high places.” Habakkuk 3:19

                  At present I feel a sharp pain like needles pricking me in deep, which wakes me up from my siesta,  Lord, I do not know why this hurts me so pains me much.  I know Lord that You care for me at every inch of my life and body, You are taking care of every single hair on my head. When a sparrow fell you know it,

              I have none here to prescribe right medicine to sooth my pain, but I trust in Thee, Thou would give me right medicine. You are my comfort in my distress; and you know every inch of my body as a great Physician. Lord my body is Your abode. You heal me my Lord, and my Father.”–This I ask Thee in the name of Jesus Christ.-Amen

 

18/5/1979  Monday:  6:30am

“I thank Thee Lord for Thou hast healed me”-

“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfil His promises to her” Luke 1:49

“Lord I just wonder to think about Mary who believed in Thee. Wonder what heart and faith she had in Thee. She was betrothed to man whom she did not know and waiting to marry him. Meanwhile she was seeking Thine Kingdom at Thine feet. Indeed she was highly favoured Thee. How impossible it was that a virgin conceiving a child in her womb! Yet she did not doubt a bit. She humbled herself and trusted Thee, that Thou would do impossible things be possible in her life by Thine hand.

“ Oh Lord! I wish I could have that faith.  I am Thine child. Give me the heart of Mary. I wish I could have that simple faith to see impossible things to happen. Establish my faith in Thee, Father God.” –in Jesus name Amen

19.6.1979 Tuesday 4:30pm

           “Lord my heart is bursting in between my bosom, booting the ribs. I am feeling terrible, oh Lord, answer me or I die. Why this dead silence. I feel like I am in a grave. Shut off, from the entire world, people ask me questions, and I am humiliated, not knowing what answer to give them. Answer me Lord; I cannot bear any more, not even one minute extra. No more tears, in my eyes, no more sighs in my heart.   I wish to run away from every living thing. When I think I could lie-down and sleep, hoping for some sweet dreams I would get at least, but the nightmares frighten me to the utmost. Oh Lord I cannot bear just cannot bear this burial silence. I am living in my room with Your book day and night, waiting for Your answer, not talking to any living being. I am left alone; take me to Thyself.—in Jesus name Amen.

4pm

I feel like I am cornered by some unknown force. Nothing I can do or nothing to do.

“The prey of the terrible shall me delivered” Isaiah 49:25

6pm

“ Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart; and you shall find rest in your soul”—        Matt 11:29

10pm

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give thee the desires of your heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass.  Rest in the Lord and wait patiently.”Ps 37:4,5

20.6.1979  Wednesday 6:30am

(In dream)

“Bless the Lord oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits

He forgiveth all my inequities/ He healeth all thine diseases

He redeemeth thy life thy life from destruction (grave yard) He crowneth thee with loving kindness and tender mercies He satisfieth thy mouth with good things so that thy youth is renewed like the eagles.  Ps 103

“God setteth the solitary in families” Ps 68;6

12:30 noon

               Thank you Lord! For the date is fixed. Just now we received the letter from Brother Joe.  Though I showed myself very unfaithful, You are there always trusting me and caring for me. I am just undeserved to call upon Thee Lord.

         Lord cheer up my heart. It seems like a dream still as many other dreams that I had had for the past few days. I have not awakened completely still. Lord cheer up my heart !! –In Jesus name I pray. Amen

6pm

           Your word unto Thy servant upon which hast caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction for Thy word hath quickened me. Ps. 119:49

            Thus the writings in my little Red journal were going on. ..on on…! No end for those writings…. what happened to the promised letter from Br. Joe? Why there is no contact with us? They can contact us by one letter saying ‘yes or no’, can’t they?

      The Lord has given me so many promises about this marriage. But what about the promise I got for my husband? Until and unless that first promise, “The Lord confirmeth the word of His servant… ” is found out in Holy Scriptures , my heart would not find peace… Lord is giving many promises.. But why not that particular one was not found so far? I was searching for it every way I think it would be but in vain. Well I will wait upon Thee Lord till you speak again….!!

                     “Lord Give me give me a praying spirit, desperate praying spirit, which cannot take rest till it finds your answer. Lord I am asking for fish and you would not give me a snake. I am asking for an egg, and you would not give me a scorpion which would bite me and kill me. Lord be merciful and revive my spirit; strengthen me O Father!!    -In Jesus name Amen.}

 It was the darkest day in my 25 days of fasting prayer, I lost all my hope, and  to reach this letter it took 4 days, i.e., 20.7.79 and did you see the prayer on 20.7.79 morning before I receive the letter?

                                       { (In dream)

“Bless the Lord oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits

He forgiveth all my inequities/ He healeth all thine diseases

He redeemeth thy life thy life from destruction (grave yard) He crowneth thee with loving kindness and tender mercies He satisfieth thy mouth with good things so that thy youth is renewed like the eagles.  Ps 103

“God setteth the solitary in families” Ps 68;6 }

I was full of joy and happiness even though I did not receive any news from Br. Joe.  It was how the Holy Spirit led us to pray. His shadow hovers over me during all those days to teach me many things these are the rules we followed in toto for all the marriages we conducted as in charge pastor to the branch of the LEF; in Eluru.

22.6.79      6pm Friday Fasting.

“Lord, give me the spirit of prayer abundantly. Lord there are so many minute things that have to be blessed by you like…

‘Purchasing sarees, gold, travelling, emotions, words, behaviour, reception, my manners, and thereafter life…

 Oh Lord I am going to enter in a new life. Oh my poor heart, it shivers inside. Lord I have so many unknown fears.. Lord I do not know who he is, how he looks like, his temperament, his vies, his way of life and I must adjust and content with all that are new. Father do I have that capacity? Can I be successful?  Oh Yes Lord.. Yes If I love him all things are possible. Lord let me not hurt him any way as I hurt you many a times before; You had been very kind, patient and loving. You bore with me. Oh Lord, remember that I am a weaker vessel. I do not know how to be obedient. Oh Lord, teach me and give me wisdom in this regard. Lord made me a wise woman more precious than rubies; help me to walk with Thee from the very first step of married life I love you Lord.—In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen

woman more precious than rubies” –My wedding message was on this sentence given by Br. Joe.

Lord taught me how I should lead my married life. He gave me some rules of life. I noted down them in my dairy.

Suppose he despises me—I must pray for him earnestly.

Suppose he suspects me— I must show myself worthy in You.

Suppose he is angry with me—I must love him more.

Suppose he makes fun of me—Lord give me forebearance.

Suppose he loves me—Lord help me to love you more and more and be thankful to you

Father God I do not know, a sort of fear takes hold of me. I am afraid of this entire new life ahead of me. Oh Lord help me. Amen

My Red little journal was continuing still further. My heart still longing for that first promise I received, I was searching the Holy Scriptures for that one sentence.”The Lord Confirmeth the Word of His servant..”  My prayer continues….

God cares our heart, people look at the outside deeds of the people.

      As I was preparing for my marriage, just buying sarees or ornaments never quench the thirst of my soul; There are still some more days to walk to the bride’s aisle.
It is God who loved us first, He has woven his love into the very fibers of our soul.
While I seek Him and His love I found that He is the one who is the one who is loving me in all times and in all places.

I could wait .. because of that first promise, At times, waiting for an answer from God feels like driving an ambulance in a traffic jam. Turn the siren louder if you like, but the cars aren’t moving. You can’t get through. My life was marked by similar delay. I was in hurry to get THAT promise, BUT God is not. I pound heaven’s door pleading for a response, and all I get was silence. I got so many promises from Him for this marriage, but my heart was on the first promise which I heard, but I wanted to see it in the Bible. But the perfect silence from Him.

Following God by faith is always asked to wait. It is work of God.. Making me to wait is His work to do something, in my life. While I trust Him while I wait , he built my confidence in His character. Learning to trust him in the space between that Promise and finding it as an answer solidifies what I believe in Him. He wants only what is best for me. I stood by His wisdom he knew what is best for me. I grew convinced of His power .. he is able to do what is best for me. God knew that its hard for me to walk by faith, so he made some promises to assure me while I wait.

We never know this side of heaven what God was up to while I waited. But no doubt , God had been at work, fashioning a plan of such beauty and symmetry that my mind could not have received it. …. I didn’t have to take my view of life only from what I could see or from what was happening right in front of me. I didn’t have to be imprisoned by the crazy doubts in my head that I knew weren’t true. ” It is I” He promised previously. So I continued to pray, Continue to wait.

Now I knew pretty well, that I was not waiting for the letter from Br Joe but for the promise I got in the first instance believing that God is not only better than my fears. He’s also better than my hopes.

 

24.6.79  2pm Sunday

             My Heavenly Father.. the other Sunday I read “God’s Smuggler” by Br. Andrew.  I understand that my religion has no power, Lord, I wish I could walk with you daily as that brother walks having constant fellowship with you always, being aware of you, conscious of your Will, listening to Thine small still voice of Thine within me for You are in me and I am in You. Lord how wonderful it is to be God- Conscious and God-lead always.  Now I am going through Catherine Booth the great biography which remained as a constant puzzle and out of reach life all these years. Lord I thank you for You have given it to me in due season.  I am fascinating by the loves of hers, Love for You, Love for her husband William, Love for the church, Love for the Nation. Lord if only I could love Thee more and more, every day by day!! Lord ‘he’ remains as a silent figure behind the screen. Now I am going to live with him, an unknown person, whom I haven’t seen yet. There are hardly 2 weeks more. We will live together till death separate us.  Oh Father, there is an unknown path before me, I do not know where this road will take me, but help us to go till the end of it, to meet Thee Lord, the Lover our souls!

       Lord, there is a sweet desire in me..I want him be superior to me in thine knowledge and love for Thee. I wish his mental capacity and intellectual fibre is stronger and healthier than me.

    Lord, I am hurt as that monkey in Br. Andrew’s book, lost confidence and ever frightened of wrong influence.  Lord, even the very smell of cheating makes me to jump in nerves. I am scared.. can’t trust anyone ..Lord strengthen me, make him a strong fort of mine.. with him I can be safe and strong.

            Make Catherin’s life an everlasting impression on my personality.

            I am daring to step into this new life only because I am confirmed that this is Your Will regarding me and him.  Bless him Lord..make him an understanding person ..for Thine sake,  This I pray in Thy name, Jesus Christ –Amen

25.6.79  Monday

        “Lord thank You for this beautiful wedding saree.” (I was busy in running little preparations for the wedding along with my dad.)

27.6.79  Wednesday

          “Behold I send, an Angel before thee, to keep thee in the way and to bring thee into the place which I have prepared….”   Exodus 23:20-33

                  Looking back it seems to methat all that grief which I had left me now, when the pain was over, made me, richer than before.

                  “Lord, it is good for me, that I have been afflicted, that I might learn Thy statutes.”   Psalm 119:71

4.7.79       5.30pm

            Many days have been passed since I wrote my journal. Days are passing by very quickly and tomorrow I will see him my life partner, first time on wedding dais; Lord!

            Lord, Thy ways are so strange, ever I thought that these things would happen in this way?  How.. oh how beautifully You bend our ego !

              Lord I want to be submissive in every part of my life to him.  Lord I j1ust wonder how he look at me, the very first look, ohm, yea on the altar of our wedding. I wonder what would be the very first word of his for me, apart from the vows we will take on the altar of life’s commitment.

            I wish ‘he could take my hand, and kneel at Thine feet.’-should be the first act of his when we are alone. Lord knit our hearts with your love, help me to love him with all my heart in Your love for your name sake. I wish that he would be so too!!

           Lord, yes , the more we love each other the more should be our love for thee, Lord please plan our lives and deeds like that.

           Lord I wish our little home be an exemplary home, like Catherin’s Oh how I love that saint lady, the secret of her successful life seems to be the love that flows for every one around her.

           Lord, I wish he could be the head of the family  in every step, in every decision. Let not there be any argument or misunderstanding in between us , oh Lord, it should never occur. Help me to strive for harmonious life in between us. Lord help me to bring every prick of pain in my heart to Thee first.

           There would be many adjustments to be made in between us when you are with us.  Lord, I trust that everything will run rhythmically.

             I love You Lord Jesus; help me to love you more. I pray this in the precious name of Lord Jesus Christ-amen.

* Tomorrow we will start to go to Vijayawada for my wedding.

5.7.79-   4am

    Early in the morning I got up prayed  and opened my Telugu Bible. By this time I almost forgot about my searching for the first promise I got about his character, that he is God fearing man, the verse was,” The Lord confirmeth the Word of His servant”. Br. Joe told me thus, that he is a good looking and God fearing man, and that I should pray for my wedding with this gentleman. I asked God, ‘ Lord Your servant told me that he is God fearing man, but I wonder whether he is really God fearing man, So please You confirm it to me. That day I got a promise that the “Lord confirmeth the word of His servant.” I just wanted to SEE that VERSE in the Holy Scriptures. So far I could not find, but that morning at 4 am a great wonder happened. I was reading Isaiah.. I found the verse all in a sudden. It was like lightening from the sky.

 

ISAIAH 44:26 to 28

The Lord confirmeth the word of His servant, and performeth the counsel of His messengers; that saith to Jerusalem.  Thou shalt be inhabited; and to the cities of Judah,  Ye shall be built, and I will raise up the decayed places thereof:  That saith to the deep, Be dry, and I will dry up thy rivers:  That saith of Cyrus, He is my shepherd, and shall perform all my pleasure; even saying to Jerusalem, Thou shalt be built and to the temple, Thy foundation shall be laid”.

           It was the day before the wedding day. We have to travel to Vijayawada by Howrah mail express by starting in Vizag at 11 noon, our family and friends would have lunch in our home and then we will start for the wedding place.
I got up early in the morning it was 4 am, I prayed and took my Telugu Bible and I was reading the regular portion of that day, I read 40th chapter and 41, and 42, and 43 finished, and then I was reading 44 chapter, when I came to 26th verse, I STOPPED at once.. The verse looked like the verse I heard the first day ,”The Lord confirmeth the word of His servant.” in Telugu , so I rushed into the dad’s room where there was English King’s James version opened the Bible to
Isa 44:26 … Oh there it is, 26th verse:

        I was amazed  to read the first verse 26thThe Lord confirmeth the word of His servant, and performeth the counsel of His messengers; in Telugu language; in fact I was shocked and wanted to see it in English version; ran into the dad’s room took hold of King James Version and opened Isaiah and read the verse. There was great joy, all the stars in the sky danced in my room. I was immersed in deep sea of laughter in my heart. The stars were flowing out of my eyes, mymouth, my body at once.

I just scribbled in my journal again, “ Oh Lord, I thank Thee. Thou hast given me the first promise I got. I love you. Amen”

        but what is this verse 27th?///??? That saith to the deep,Be dry and I will dry up thy rivers. ?????????  next verse… “thou shalt be built,……thy foundation shalt be laid” its 28th verse

Any body can imagine where I was, on the cloud number 9?—
I did not walk to the bride’s aisle, I flew to the wedding place. How I travelled, How I got ready to be a bride in good white silk saree.. everything was in dream, I was all in smiles, a perfect bride.. no fear, no doubts, no questions.. heart free.. fully trust in God,When I was giving the wedding ring to him I lifted my head first time to see his face, wondering whether it fit in to him perfectly without causing any inconvenience to him… some little girl shouted aloud, “Yey the bride looked at the bride” —do not know who said so, but it was so loud, and everybody laughed aloud. The wedding message was on Proverbs 31 :10-31 “who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies”

Since then the Lady of proverbs 31 became my model to live like.. I meditated on her character, lived and relived it, word by word, taught how to live like her to the women in women meetings Sunday after Sunday. I was so happy to read about her, whenever I had chance. line line by line. its my guide.. I thought I would live like her till the end of my life.
After the demise of my husband ( read 27th verse) when my rivers dried up , later whenever I opened the chapter, I could not control my tears, no end for my tears, the river was dried up , but the rivers in my eyes flow years together.

But later verses were again fulfilled, he built my life again ….the foundations laid… oh yes new foundation laid down.. new ministry, new life for Him, new type of ministry….God spoke to me one day by voice, twice Shaeltiel.. Which name was a new name for me…..it was all together a great new story where He gave me new ministry… where many more souls were enriched by His work..!!!That’s the end .. of these chapters Good looking and God fearing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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LeelaMalaka

Hello All! I am a retired Lecturer, Former Air Hostesses, and a writer. I love to share MY STORIES, WITH MY GOD.

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