FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2012
Just a second, and then every thing would be changed,Life is a tragedy. It always ends tragically. I know and you know that one day we have to leave this world, and our beloved ones will leave us surely. But still we do not take time to be good to them or love them or express our love to them as we should to our full extent of ability. Once they leave us.. life is irreparable. and never will it be the same as it used to be when they were with us.
He would not be any more be mentioned as in present tense, we would speak of him in past tense. Just one second and when he is gone, the present becomes the past, we talk about him as he was my husband, he was my father, he was working, He used to be , He used to do like that, He joked like that , this and then… only one second… everything would be changed.
I used to think to tell him my my husband many things… like I loved him so much, and he was so much to me, he was my life, my only one person whom I respected all through my life, that he was my hope, my joy…. but then the words were few, I used to find, that my language was too insufficient, and i used to find the dearth of words, or occasions to express. I used to post pone things of that sort forever. I never expressed my deep love for him or to my father.,
I used to mention that I love them, that; was all.
I had no idea that just that one minute would take me too long way , that I would never have chance to meet them again and express my thoughts to them.
He was my dear father, he was the one who loved me first, showed me the way I should walk, he was the one who taought me the good mamers written behind the Lifco dictionary, He was the one who was so proud to have me beside him, and there was none who felt about me as he was. He was the one who encouraged me to learn new things in life..unlike any other girls of my age, in those days. He never was soft or granted my whims and fancies, but insisted me to go higher levels of life, even though I was fearful to achieve or meet his expectations.
He was there also for me. I too was so courageous if he was around, nothing could make me feared. He was a stall wart, and a protector, strong and powerful.
And so was with my husband, I lived under his umbrella, I was just following him..around, I was fearless, just leaning upon him… and we both used to share all joys and sorrows equally… I used to have a shoulder to lie down my tired head, I used to have person with whom I can share all my doubts, and worries and get comfort and counsel.. , I used to have a prayer partner with whom I approach God and laid down all my supplications dutifully and receive answers.. wonderfully
But now when I think of the past, I know that I did not live the life he really wanted me to live. I was so backward for his expectations of me. I was not makng him happy in all my doings… like NCC, Sports, or IAS studies and so on. I shattered all his dreams about me. I was so proud to humble my self as his daughter. I was thinkingthat I knew everything.. and so I acted, never giving respect to his lognings for his elder daughter, that is me. His first love for me, he used to give me the very best availablet even the new dresses would be given first to me , to show in fashion parad and for his approval, for the beauty of the attire. But I know I was not as I need to be, or as I wanted me to be now.
There that ego, useless ego made me not to yield to his wishes. He used to tell me about the land he bought at Rajahmundry, but I never showed interest, thinking that I was above all those worldly things, mundane things, as if I was living in the clouds of heaven and my dad was not,. When he was trying to teach me the Bible, I used to think that I was the senior and therefore I knew everything about the Bible , more than him. .When he chose one group of believers with whom he wanted to serve the Lord and praise God. I thought that he was edge of the hell and I must pull him out from that hell as I was brainwashed to think the fellowship which I used to attend those days was the only church in the world which can show the path of heaven.
What all that i thought was right then are wrong now. .I know now how shallow were those thoughts, I was in dreams, but never in reality..
Life is strange, I was with him for one full week on his death bed in K G H hospital.
I was with him till the last day , last hours.. except that last minute , when he clsoed his eyes to open them in His presence.
But it was different with my husband, I was away for a few hours of his last day.. but just before he leaves for the Heavenly Abode I was there , he came to me and told me that he was not well and I took him into my arms to make him lie down comfortably on the bed. and he breathed his last.
JUST ONE SECOND JUST ONE SECOND….. everything is changed.. yes everything changed. he died because not because he got heart attack but because his heart is broken.
The life is no more like it was before. These dear persons are no more in my life. and my life has been changed completely. What all that I wanted to do for them or talk to them is no more possible now. If only they are alive again and come back and live , this life would be different. However I lament to my hearts fill, I cannot mend the things which were impaired…
There is a hope for every thing in this life.. if we did not study well we can again study , if we had spoil anything we can repair it again and make use of it again. But we cannot get the people back in our lives. we cannot live the life again.
As I am approaching to the end of my life… I wish if only I have a chance to live my life once again I would have lived it in better way ..
JUST ONE SECOND WILL CHANGE WHOLE LIFE. THE LIFE WE LIVE NOW WILL NEVER BE AS IT WAS BEFORE. WHEN THEY WERE WITH US THE LIFE WAS DIFFERENT AND WE NEVER CAN GET IT BACK .. NO NEVER NEVER..
. Its the saddest part of life. irreparable , uncovered and never be the same.
@1.)I know what it is spending hours besides those on their deathbeds; striving to comfort them in their last moments– I have seen bodies slowly shut down as spirits